...12.27.20 patterning...

 

....how do we - me - you - align with th astral plane?... we are it... that We Are... understanding this through being outdoors... even when it's 15 degrees outside... Connecting with the leaves... the bark.. the leafless trees... noticing the texture of things in the winter... the way mist holds on asphalt... the trees that do have foliage... the mushrooms and bark... 

...indoor air can kill us... is killing us... softly... get out... outdoors... do it now... look up... the sky is still there... look up at all times of the day... morning... how does it look different then at 2pm, 7pm 9pm...?...

...what can you forage?... mushrooms... pine... white pine... spruce - not to be confused for yew, which can be poisonous... then there are the year round weeds... chickweed... shepherds purse for blood health... there is ground sorrel... but this can harm your liver... pine bark.... make a flour add it to another flour.. bak a bread...

...collect water with collars... harvest it... make arid regions moist and full of life by makeing them more shaded... instead of mulch... for evaporation to happen... forests are porous... how many entrances and exits are there from your habitat... my dad wants to control everything... all of our movements... he wants to know who leaves and when... and why... unnatural in some ways... natural in some... in the way of tribes... let go of control and grow deeper in tribe...

...patternize... patterning in permaculture are systems that support life... water is pumped out of cities only to be pumped back in... exhausting natural resources.. this is the anthesis of life... shape your tribe and habitat with patterns that support and vibrate life...

...waste is a man made thing... in nature there is no waste... waste is only feedstock for new life... please don't waste my time... we humans are wasteful... but when you pattern...

...on the day of rebirth... 12.25.20...

 ...in the name of... breath of the One... whom by any other name... is still the One... One-ness... 

in the space of this time limit called your human life, how are you manifesting Purpose...?... what is your Purpose?... why are you here?... is it to work 9-5... get deals for clothes made in sweatshops... be a better consumer and be a brand loyalist?... operate in unilateral linear relationships where you have no clue where your coffee comes from, who the farmers were, who the company the barista you handed currency to works for who the barista is...?... how does this make sense?...

...on this day of rebirth... of the resurrection of the sun of the One... as the day grows a bit longer... the uphill battle remains... will you climb as we head into the northern solstice or seek to default on complacency on what is comfortable... what you know... ?... what do you need to do different o align with Purpose?... take that step... 

...how?... # 1 it can't be about you... i see how success corrupts... i experience it in my yoga... how i consider an audience to show off in front of... this is different than engaging in asana to unlock the body... to go beyond it... i see it in the fame seeking... i am disturbed by this part of me that i grow irritated by in others... people distributing food and holding food banks to promote themselves to become a celebrity... this success fame thing runs so deep people will do anything to get there... deep... 

...my Purpose is to build the village i witnessed... to do this with what i've learned... to share the Gifts and receive gifts from others... to do this through redefining economics and how i engage with you and others... it can't be a transaction or transactional... it has to be cooperative... ecosystem... perma... beyond an individual... us as an organism... 

...stepping into religion... Grace... gratitude...

 ...in the name of ALLAH... blessed completion of this earth cycle... blessed 2000002100021000210000...

...if you want to Know... the belief in islam of ALLAH is that ALLAH has no beginning nor end... i neither begotten nor begets... 

...energy is that which cannot be created nor destroyed...

...the lack of reverence respect for life in babylon makes it s linear system... we buy and we don't know who we are buying from or who made the product or where... other than if we read the tag in the b.g and there may be a line that says made in bangladesh or taiwan or china... and we may pay a bit more attention to the brand... we become brand loyal... well its nike, we say...

...who is nike or puma or addidas...?... i have a thing for pumas given the era i grew up in... it was the number 666 branded in my head to be a consumer for life a brand loyalists and somehow in this entrepreneural train i'm supposed to be on i'm supposed used these same tricknological systems to manipulate people to buy my product and be brand loyalists... keep it... 

...in the world of consumerism there is no relation to the product you purchase... it elevates alienation.. the alienation for the worker who toiled for something they have no joy of seeing the end result of... and the alienation of the consumer who may seek a deal or some kind of narrative which the tricknologists call content marketing... keep your scientific tricknology... 

...in the world of Nature.... everything is circular and spirals... hence one who produces also sells and you get o know them and their family and they live in your community and they know you and your family from the breads your mother makes... etc... 

...our waste is wasted... our talents wasted... this is why the self help section has grown to be like everything else in babylon... obese... and yet... as many motivational talks and books as you've read heard... it's never enough... you need more... 

...you waste should be feedstock for something else... one thing should feed another... it's not enough to be diverse and have diversity... how are we benefitting ne another in our community ... in growing and vibrating our community...?... 

...your daily life is your religion... is it?... how is it reflecting sanctity at every second of the day...?...how does it respect Love... service... Connection.... 

...bask in the grace... or have you fallen from it - Grace - gratitude - thanks - praise - price - what price are you willing to pay for Love?... 

...12.22.20... winter solstice ruminations...

...blessed winter solstice Kingdom... Queendom of mother earth... our earth has completed its revolution around our star... aprox 35 days on this space ship that we are on...

...if you knew you were on a space ship traveling through space how would you treat the spaceship? would you trash it?... would you upkeep it?... would you ensure its harmony?... how would you treat those you are in the space ship with?... would you kill/murder those who don't think look like you? would you be kind and compassionate know you are going somewhere together and you might be on this ship for a while s it makes sense to really get to now and love one another?... what kind of frequencies would you put out into the universe?... would you emit frequencies of how large your phallus is and how many women you've take advantage of and how you sleep with em and toss em and all the stuff you have and the towers you own and the people who worship you and the countries that sink at their knees for you and me me me... and my my my...?... oddly... does this sound like much of hip hop pop and trump balled into one?... isn't it funny how we are quick to make these distinctions and yet the evil and greed and lust and recklessness run rampant through a shared value system...?... 

...what is your value system?... are you seeking an in with that which is hip pop-ular...?... be wary then of your own self destruction and the destruction of others... if it is the majority of what is in the mainstream... or are you tuning into systems beyond cool... that are Aligned... Connected... even if they are not in pop culture...?... get down with this... the world of the degreed... lawyers doctors professionals will have you believe you ar eonly successful if you believe in their toxic noxious food systems and needles and vaccinations and anti-biotics and law... inherently anti-life...

...permaculture tells us to align with the ecosystem to learn from it... and in an ecosystem like in our bodies... there are feedback systems... thus waste is feedstock for something else... it is not a on way stream... that diversity is not enough if the diversity is not alive in interaction... like a garden of tomatoes and then corn and then... what is the interaction between these species?... 

...been thinking of a perma approach to the medicine i do... the yoga sufi community i'd like to be part of building... inshALLAH... 

...when asked to define hippies... the poet ed sanders said: "the term hippie is limited by the type of journalism that produces it"

...winter solstice 2020... eve of...

 ...om namo bhaguvate vasudevaya... sung by krsna das... ram das speaks of his process... of being a young person lost and seeking... and finding lsd and timothy leary and going to india to meet his guru... and quotes from dao and sufism and tich nah hahn and nasiruddin... and tells stories to illuminate the importance of nothingness... of embracing this... of the letting go... of going inward instead of focusing too much externally... in the context of One-ness... ALLAH... 

...if we see someone who is doing wrong and is irritating us in the subway it's ourselves we are getting upset at... and our desire to knock them out comes from our lack of compassion to ourselves... it comes from self hate... if we loved ourselves we may seek to Connect with them as the elder in the subway does... asking the belligerent drunk on the train questions to Connect... until the guy spills his story of being left by his wife and feeling so alone and is sobbing in the train... 

...Compassion is the most repeated name of ALLAH - Al Rahman... of course this is more than just an outward showing... more than knowing a name of ALLAH and more than an external subject object relation - this is you and You... this is about self and Self... Connection is the Way in... and then...

...serve... Service... to whoever whatever is within your region... as per the laws of permaculture - to not just be shepherds of the earth but t recognize that we are the earth... our body earth, our blood the water, our breath air... that as without so within so howl... don't just witness the best minds of your generation but support do something... get in the game... play... you don't have to be a perfect musician or even be a musician as the teacher from brooklyn music factory tells us... that music is essential to connection and that connection means getting out fo your head and perfection and just playing... get in the game... 

...winter solstice 2020... we are in it... the eve of... intention to fast... to make a pine bird-feeder and ornaments for an evergreen as offerings to the seen and unseen life... to be part of a fire... to light candles... to reflect - things i'm grateful for things i wish i could've done differently... to put forth intentions for the new year that centralize the earth and nature and community... not just individual self-help goals... to share... yoga... Love... food... meditation... words from another.... to be in community... 

... perma-culture in jupiter and saturn conjunct ...

 ...that's what came up for me as i considered perma culture as i learned about bill mollison and his aligning wit the Way of Life as he witnessed among the indigenous... traditional peoples steeped in wisdom tradition... what is your wisdom traditions?...

...for me it is the tradition of Surrendering to the Source of Peace... by way of moving form the compass of laillahaillala... Knowing there is no One but One... and this is short... this life thing... and when we tether our mulladhara to the maya then we get lost in a wilderness of times square consumer culture... jobs that may seem regarding but you know they are not... knowing there is something off with social work.. something off with the education system... something off with the way medicine is practiced... it is all somehow more than just words in double-speak but a reality n  doublespeak... and you know this and continue because it is stable... because there is a paycheck... because you are lucky and more fortunate then the person who doesn't have a job os you should be realistic... tell che guevera that... tell fidel and gandhi that... tell jesus and muhammad (s.a.w) that... be unrealistic... permaculture came about through being unrealistic only to tap into Reality.... 

...i know for certain this is deathcare... that true health is in yuj- union - community with self and Self... that babylon new-ageisms steeped in the individual... is only a byproduct of the soul-hurt of babylon culture... taking extracting supplements for mitochondrial health.. but True health is in ecosystems in accountability in service that is meaningful and holds you to your Highest that checks you and you can't just be deuces about it... as wolverine and james dean and rick ross and french montana and the heroes of babylon... who spread the frequency of falsehood of twinkies and yet.. somehow those around me who are so blinded by their own self-pity and narcissism seem to think these figures are progress... that they are heroes and that we should aspire to have more people of color own corporations and big business and be presidents... oh wow.. really?.. somehow it's better to have someone who listens to music with beats to drop bombs and incarcerate and facilitate addiction to material stuff...?... i'll pass homie... 

...people of cosmos stand up!!!... see through the maya of the uniform... stop pedestalizing me cause i grew up poor and brown and turned things around... i'm also capable of evil.. and harm... and harming... people of cosmos isn't a race but a Way... steeped in wisdom cultures... the traditional Ways... whether that is the esoteric sciences of the yogis of the indian subcon or the rain makers of north american indians or the medicine men and women of subsaharan africa or the herbalists and pagans of europe that have brought us the celebrations for the winter solstice... all praise is due for all these wisdom traditions... 

...on the 21st... for the first time in close to 400 years... a decade after gaileleo discovered the telescope... jupiter and saturn will be in conjunction in a way that is closer to the earth than the one that occurs every 20 years... jupiter's orbit takes 12 years while saturn's about 29... in the process they conjunct at some point... like runners in a race track who continue to loop... at some point the runner that ran past you will pass you again... 

...the yule is an opportunity to embrace dark... while reigniting the importance of light and how much we are in need of this rare resource... as the vast majority of the universe is dark... dark matter... and thus the lighting of candles with intentions... the burning of fire... the cooking of warm meals with the sun at its core... the use of spices and spiced drinks like hot apple cider with cinnamon... the feasting... the being in community as it is in community that us as particles of light become Light... inshALLAH... 

 ...always live like a visitor... a traveler the prophet said... even if you are living breathing in the region neighborhood you are from... don't be from there... when you believe you are from there you begin to perceive others in a certain light... you begin to build a sense of arrogance i am from here and they are not... i've felt that at times... i felt that when the building my folks have been in for 40+ years shed its families only to be replaced by young professionals... i'd like to say they were primarilly of a certain ethnic/racial b.g to appease your sensibility of the false binary racial paradigm that ignores the capacity of good and evil... benevolence and greed in all... so it is a multicultural cast of gentrifiers... hyphenated americans: white and asian, carribean and african, black and latin... 20 and 30 somethings... single or coupled... and sometimes i feel like an outsider in this building and i perceive the way they engage with my immigrant parents as outsiders... and it makes me want to say they have been here for longer than your parents have been alive... but this stems from a place of being from... vs... acceptance... accepting the change... the possible perceptions of us as outsiders... my perception of them as pretentious and rude... all of it stems from my own identification with this rental apartment in a building that is like a swivel door... 

...You Are only from One place... ALLAH... from ALLAH we emerge to ALLAH we return... 

...this is just a passing through... 

...rich roll had a legendary surfer on his podcast who said... when you have an art everything else you do is only to support this process... so if you have to work as a dishwasher or waiter or landscaper... all good... these other things are just jobs... your Work is your art and everything else supports this... although i agree with this... other jobs can take a toll on your energy level and take you away from your craft... so it may be more healthy to have part time gigs to allow full time focus on your craft... 

...this legendary surfer also said what i've heard other wise men say - it is only in the face of death do we realize living... so go to your edges... what are your edges?... what is my edge with/in writing?... it is to write for several hours... right now i only do an hour at most... in a row... to complete what i start... i have a tendency to start writing projects and not complete them...  

...rich roll added to this by saying how ironically the narrative of pop culture is for us to seek comfort... to look to shows like cribs... lifestyles of the rich and famous... of making the american dream - house car dog spouse... but it is in this comfort that we experience dying... not death... not fana... not the annhilation of ego but the attachment to security to the couch... to being safe... to our safe yoga poses and t.v. and rotuines.. and job... embrace chaos... edges... fear... 

the seeds of a community

...ram das says in a lecture that he gave in 1987 that good business is driven by a goal, a vision, a need versus being driven by profit and money making... when this is your goal then you are driven only by individuality, by your own tamasic needs... 

...in the law of attraction... a friend of mine tells me that you have to be real clear about what you want...be real specific, she says... it's not enough to say you want a house... what kind of house, why? where? who lives there? what's the neighborhood like?... if you are looking for a partner.. what are their qualities... you can say that they have this body and this profession... but what about that body type?... chemistry... you want to have chemistry with the person you are with... what about profession...?... you may want stability... etc... 

...are you creating a need, or is there a genuine need for what you'd like to share...?... for many eyars i saw that being/becoming a medicine man was about me finding my purpose, about what i had to offer... but i realize from my own failure of not being able to be of service that this goal was always a selfish one... it wasn't about helping others... it was about me connecting with my ancient self for me... for me to have ancient knowledge and be recognized for this... in turn my studies and accolades have all been driven by ego... this shows up in my yoga as well... my goal has been to obtain a certain leel of depth in asana and some of the more esoteric layers of yoga... again... it has been selfish and without service... 

...so having thus knowledge and practice now... what is the offering?... in aligning with the knowledge of the 99 names... of the unseen... of the Wisdom... i Realize in Ya Daar... the Distressor... that to find meaning... Purpose means to search through that which is hurting your spirit... is causing you stress... as this is where you realize your need... what is causing me distress?... aging without progress... being unmarried and childless... living in the same neighborhood i grew up in... in the same rental... being without community... watching my folks age... and those around me... watching friends dissipate... being at a job that doesn't serve my love and passion of creative writing and fiction and being creative and yoga and medicine making and bodyworking and cooking and being in community with the land and each other and instead being in community through screens and paycheck... 

...what is distressing me is not being in meaningful community and not being in a space of offering for community... so what i want is to be in a space of community not just with where i live but also with the people i work with and on... i want to know their families and friends... i want to be in community with those i work for... and that my work only draws me closer to them... so i want to be in cooperation...

...what is the need then?...  compassion... going beyond individualism... building an alternative to isolation and individualism and consumerism and transactionalism and discompassion and lack of love and respect for different cultures and different cultural ways of being and not being burned into a melting pot that makes you the same and destroys difference by boiling it out... the lack of love and respect for the earth and artisanship and what it takes to create/build vs look for deals and stuff... 

...how?.... do you feel alone...?... confounded, hurt by time space happening and you are feeling left behind... losing those around you... being un quicksand... feeling a lack of support for what you are going through?.... lacking meaningful accountable relations... people who won't just ditch you becasue you said/did the wrong thing?... the solution maybe community... who are accountable to one another... who are engaged and rooted in spirit... who plant and develop a relation to food as medicine through reaping/harvesting and cooking... and sharing meals... what do i have to offer to help people go through this?... people as diverse as my mother and someone who is a lawyer...?... through education... through an educational program that has a cohort... that people who participate feel enriched and driven by... that can help them grow deeper with each other and the land... that is within a region... a neighborhood... that is culturally sensitive and rewarding and enriching... that values difference in perspective... that empowers people to own and take responsibility... that helps them to go out there and build/plant the seeds for other self-sufficient interfaith yoga ancient medicine school-clinic communities - that is not a franchise or brand... but rooted in spirituality... 

...where does this start?... with medicines that people can trust... and want to work with me... with writing courses... with full moon courses... with a clinic that helps people with their issue... to do talks on spirituality and community and the earth... to hold a yogi medicine person cohort... people who can learn the ancient art of yoga and ayurvedic medicine: through immersing in daily ritual: asana, meditation, pranayama... cooking vegetarian foods... planting herbs... making medicines... doing an art... writing... sharing their talents... engaging in responsibilities... karma yoga... so they are immediately taking charge of their community instead of being passive participants... holding clinic... engaging in dhikr/satsang in attending and offering dharma talks... in sleeping early and getting up early and having saturdays to rest for shabbat and celebrating on friday night... all praise is due... this is a school clinic farm kitchen lifestyle... and it's within reach... 

...what's keeping me?... fear that it's unrealistic... too big... etc... but it's been a vision for years... now i will pitch it... do you want to help?... 

...semen retention...

 ...seed... keep your seeds... find fertile ground... plant them as they are most likely to grow in he right soil... to be healthy and rooted in a past that is in the Great Nothing... in the name of... Always...

...hold your seeds even as the desire the shoot them is, to sprinkle them as there is an urge as much as there is an urge to pee, real bad... hold on... the semen is not waste... this is what i would tell a freind from years ago who said he saw masturbation and sex as natural as going to the bathroom... yes... it is natural... but feces and urine are not comparable to semen... 

...our semen is not a waste product... in fact, from the perspective of the ancient medicine of ayueveda, it is the sum total of nutrition... nutrition crates this... it avails this... it makes it so that we have a pearl... these pears accumulate and are to be shared... 

...that's the other thing about semen retention... in itself it can eem grand, and reverent... but we are gifted these seeds for a reason... to share them... nothing after all that we receive... whether it is money and old and things... or talent... is to be hoarded... it is to be of service... in service of the One... through sharing with the ummah.. .the community fo life... human and non human... earth beings and fire beings and light beings and water beings... share... give... spread... thus find someone you can share this seed with... that you can be there for the harvest and share in this harvest through celebration... through planting again... and reaping what you sow through festivity... through Love... through Creativity... 

...12.5.20.. ruminations

 ...in the name of.......... as a rose by whatever name is a rose... an the messages of those who Seek are beginning to sound more resonant... echoes... and in babylon this conveys through self-help books, every day someone is writing one to get out a hack, to share something that could be useful and thats beautiful ... but aslo to survive to thrive in the babylon sense... to have money and houses and glitter n be okay... babylon success... 

...be responsible to yourself osho's says... and of course in the sufi tradition this would mean responsible to Self... and when you take away the body and the mind.. .there is only You.. and this can only be know through experience... i wouldn't discount nor negate belief as osho does... i think it is beautiful... but i personally se the importance to use your experience to observe them as the laboratory for Self Realization to let loose the clutches of chains you have taken on that tether you to jobs you don't believe in that keep your throat chakra locked to what is okay to say - it is okay to now say black lives matter but dont you dare say free palestine... that is not ok... hence nike and j.c penny and nbc can have b.l.m signs and messages when they had not interest a couple fo years ago... and some how this absolves them of their institutional play at exploitation hierarchies... apartheids... etc... 

...do what is unpopular... including with so called progressive movements that you may have disagreements with ...don't be afraid to disagree for fear of a backlash for fear of being called racist or homophobic or classist or elitist ...  modernity and forward thinking don't mean progress or evolution in fact it could mean devolution as we are seeing how we have become a pronounced culture... of how we are offering plastics and disposables in restaurants in place of glasses to address covid... 

...somehow we are missing the mark... in my estimation... somehow if we believe in this thing that they are calling a pandemic than wouldn't we want to reevaluate how we have engaged with our earth and other species?... especially if these viruses have been zootonic... isn't it an opp to not go back to business as usual... of course it isn't biz as usual... it is heightened babylon... screens in your face all day everyday... 

...what's the advice of a medicine man?... meditate in the vipassana tradition - as taught by buddha... and shared by goenka-ji... do the surgery of inner self... observe your body and mind and emotions and let go... come into witness consciousness and in being so Be come who you Really are... 

...99 names: Dhal Jalali Wal Ikram...

 ...in the name of ALLAH... all praise is due... for the lack of sleep... the insomnia... for the distress leading me to the Ya Daar... the Distressor... as ALLAH is the Essence of All... that is Spirit is everything... even these buttons i press and the car i drive... these have a spirit... 

...i get why people talk to their cars now... i've been connecting with my '05 prius... recognizing that it's a bit of an o.g... that it had a rough life from being bruised by nyc traffic cops smacking down on its breaks and push and stopping... improper breathing... and the acutioneers that just dumped it on the less than honest dealers in bk i bought it from... 

...i was distrustful of the prius... not recoginzing that the car to has at its Essence ALLAH... and as such has an individual spirit that requires Love and generosity - Ikram... which will empower it and in turn me... generosity is empowering for the giver as it heightens frequency... praying before your food in gratitude and expressing Love will raise the frequency of your food... that is... instead of just being thankful for what you will take... also think of a way that you will give to the food that has given to you... so generously... 

99 names: ad Daar an Nafis

....maula... ali... maula... 99 names... the source of distress... ad Daar... the wound that rumi refers to, to embrace... as it will benefit you... it will lead to Light... as is the next of the 99 names... an Nafis..  the benefactor... that which benefits... by way of being of service... of benefitting... uplifting helping growing nourishing others... 

...the Distressor... the distress is essential to explore... the walk into... what is distressing you?.. .for me it is not being in Union... is going through time and space and noticing stagnancy and yet i am changed... the lack of community... hiding in my yoga and medicine... of not being of service... of my writings being just this - self reflections for myself... and a lifetime of this... meaning endless hours that have benefited no one but myself...

... so the distress is not in being in community... in being in meaningful relationships... how can we be in meaningful relationships with each other...?... 

...Ad Daar leads me to sharing this through courses... through the honoring of the time and the currency i spent on growing in these practices that sustain and grow family and community and build community economics... Ad Daar is sharing with me that through the sharing all else will fall in place and in turn lead to An-Nafis... inshALLAH... 

...full moon nov 30th 2020...

 

...bismillah... 

... if you feel something than do... do you act on it?... what have you not acted on today... since you woke up... for fear of a consequence>,,, what is it that keeps you in the cage that you pace as you watch anther full moon and wonder where time is going.. how it doesnt feel like you have made progress...

...progress is the easurement by which humans weigh their life... examine it for meaning... it us unsaid.. an intangible... how are you making progress... for the tribes it is their growing of their community... of their tribe... of growing in their bond towards one another... all in Surrender to yashua... this takes Work... to building/growing the kingdom of heaven... 

...for me... it means... 

...i guess i lost track... i guess i never knew... since last month... last month we were a crew of three... me and david and brandon... walking up and down the commons and cayuga and titus... trying to understand this thing... trying to understand ourselves as men in relation to the lovers in our life... to women... to the babylon that made no sense to us... the world of being tethered by muzzles and crisis information that we mostly saw in the ups and downs of masks that people around us wore... 

...here... we became a place foe each other... from randomly run ins to hollering... to glasses and smoke... to words of wisdom... "i ask myself where this is coming from" brandon said of his feelings... when he assesses situations... 

...and then he disappeared and we formed a mens group... mostly cause i wanted to leave k with a space for him to heal to have support... i kind of enjoyed the informal... the running into the spontanaiety but soon the mens group made sense... it felt good... it helped to be heard... to be honest with myself and others without having to censor... 

...since the last full moon.. packed and reduced and gave away things... and bought honey to make medicine and foraged more... and started an herbs album... and made an ad hoc plant press... and started paying attention to the striations on bark and grew deeper in my a relation with brave-bird... my 05 prius... and listened to the messages and stories of mary... and spent time reading the esoteric spiritual texts they held... to learn... to keep an open ear... and listened to the wise teachings of shoshana... and hung with drinkers and smokers without drinking or smoking... and prayed more... 3-5 times a day... closer to 4-5 times a day... and tried a new pose... and manifested the 99 names... and grew in charles dodson's alter ego lewis carrol through his fractals of alice in wonderland... and in my relations to writers and my own writing through part ii of the writing group... and embraced rejection without being buried by it... and slept earlier and got up earlier again... and expressed truth and boundaries to k... and the afflicted soul of september that october sought to get lost in... and that november sought to take action on... has brought up sneaky and being sneaky and noticing this whether it means borrowing salt to condiment food or avoiding a question that i'm uncomfortable with... or getting food from a church for lunch... or... the list goes on.... there is a lot... and so this month... the intention is to expose sneaky to presence it... by acting on truth... on my intuition on manifesting instead of trying to play checkers and sneak attack... i would like to manifest a house for my mama and poppa and us towards community... building and Being community... medicines - a self love kit and CSA... a yoga course... and another writing course... and the yogi album and ashtanga ii and iii... and a wife and kids... and Love... Close to You... 

10.28.20 days before the full moon

 ...grew into a bear in the forest of upstate ithaca this fall... 2020 vision skipped my sight when I entered into a dream of words that flooded my spaces so that I had none... so that i was ripped into a wind so intense it kept me going in circles and flying into an epiphany of sorts... sort of like the end of the world dystopian novels i read before i wrote them and then read them over and over like a bible that would somehow get me out of this predicament of wanting and not getting over and over... that's the problem the buddhist teacher said on youtube and i listened to crying in downward dog... that you want... that you crave and avert... so i rolled some forage finds and smoked in the commons... staring at the muzzled pedestrians giving me wishes of death and not the evil eye... cause they didn't want to be me but be without me and i got it cause my smoke ended and i was still there and lighting a hundred would still nto pass the time so i leapt up and down and said hi and by in namaste... did pushups and kicks... worked on drop backs and chakrasanas and wrote furiously... hoping what i couldn't grasp here i could in writing... 

...full moon in pisces... reflections intentions...

 

...in the name of ALLAH... this of course is a filter... there are those who immediately shut down when they see the word of the Infinite... except if i do that - use the 99 names, like the Infinite... the Source of Peace... 

...the continued truth remains... this is ephemeral... as soon as i begin to tap the words are a past... has seconds minutes already attached to it like newborns rapidly entering their tweens teens 20s 40s 60s 80s 90s... flatline... another generation in a b/w book for coffee conversation...

...coffee and conversation are beautiful... i love chai time... in our roots culture... like yogi and ayurveda and loongis and turbans and kurtas and You... You Always being central and the path of Surrender the passport beyond nationality, borders.... 

...the moon will remind you of this... it floors me everytime... the words of running in a rumi poem becoming a stark reality in looking upon my own...

...nice to be here... away from the city of millions... of get or get got... of hustlenomics...

...nice to breathe... deep... pranayama... as the moon... in ida... grounding energy and noting the nadis that are suffocated... liberating these at their marma points... to breathe into that part of the body...

...what didn't work about just stepping into action to redirect habit... to shape self is that i didn't always do this... this past moon... i was in my head often... and today... today i got lost... and beauty happened... as i fasted... i was too foggy to think straight... and so i got lost... and in getting lost... beautiful fiction.. and poetic movement and the botanical garden... and herbs... an herb garden and evergreen garden and names to help me connect... and the dinner to break fast... on my way back... just appeared... a tofu vegan medley... off the hook... and the discussion with the tribe... with the young voices... about the battle between old money and new money... about u.n. 21... about the percentage of oxygen you need to breath w/o inflicting harm upon yourself... the masks denigrating this...

...so this full moon i act first think later by stepping into lost... getting lost... allowing myself to get lost in the act... in the drop-backs and chakrasanas... in the kapotasanas and myur and pinchamyurs...... in the dishes and the ayurvedics... in making medicine and the trees and plants and the ingesting of medicines... in Connecting with the Work... and being in a space of service... of doing... w/o fear of loss... 

...samkhya...

Everything in the world has an origin. And the origin has an origin. Everything has an end. And the end never ends. Herein lies the paradox. The rub. 

What is your Creation story? What is the Creation story of your people? This will (or atleast in the past has) informed the way you engage with life. For many ancient traditions, the Purpose of life is to prepare for the hereafter. Your actions have clear vibrational impacts the write your script to come. Your decree is part epi-genetic. You are writing it. How? Your actions.

Ayurveda, Yoga, Tantra, and other spiritual paths within the vedic traditions can occupy a paradoxical relation to each other. But the one thing they share is the samkhya philosophy. 

What is samkhya?

Samkhya is the origin story. Origin points. There are 25 such points (tattvas) 24 are part of a material relaity. One is absolute. 

They start with Purusha and Prakriti. Arguably, it all starts with just Purusha. Purusha is pure consciousness. This is not to be confused with some people's understanding of God. Yogi's would say thaat Ishwara is the origin of this pure Consciousness. In this sense, purusha would be God. Purusha is aboslute, while all else changes. Prakriti is the force of material reality. 

Through the subtle energies of sattva raja and tamas, in a vibratory state, one imbalancing another, the mind stuff that Patanjali refers to in the yoga sutras is born - mahat or buddhi (intelligence), manas (mind), ahamkar (ego). 

Ahamkar also further activates sattva rajas and tamas, which through partial interaction with each other gives rise to other energies. 

The partial interaction between rajas (the force of action) with sattva, produces the jnana-indriyas. The jnana-indriyas are our five sensory organs - eyes, ears, nose, tongue, skin. The karma-indiryas are the 5 expressions - elimination (anus; defecation), speech (mouth), moving (feet), grasping (hands), reproduction (sex organs).

The jnana indriyas are entry points for us to know. The karma indriyas are exit oints for us to execute. The 11th indriya is the mind (manas). The manas is our gateway between our gross reality and the realm of Creation. 

On this rajas-sattva side, there are 11 tattwas (cosmic points). On the rajas-tamas side there are an additional 10 tattwas.

The 10 tattwas birthed by the interaction between rajas and tamas are the 5 elements - panchamahabhutas, and the 5 subtle energies - panchamahatanmantras.

The tanmatras are the subtle (tan) energies of sound (shabda), touch (sparsha),  sight (alochaka), taste (rasa), and smell (gandha). The bhutas are space (akasha), air (vayu), fire (agni), water (jala), earth (prithvi). 

The tanmatras and mahabhutas correspond with the each other.  shabda with akasha, vayu with sparsha, alochaka with agni, rasa with jala, and gandha with prithvi. These further correspond with the jnana-indriyas - ears with sound and space, skin with touch and air, eyes with sight and fire, tongue with taste and water, nose with smell and earth. 

The tanmatras are the origin points for the mahabhutas. That is they are the resting potential behind the active material elements. Thus, the doshas are premised on the tanmatras. For instance, the origin of the mahabhuta of air is the subtle energy of sound. Sound then precedes ether. 

...full moon august 2020...

...arrived in a place of Work and found myself falling through your blue... waters... gave all of me away and i couldn't tell you that it was the first time... in this way... even though i wanted to... that i'd want to call and say hi... to listen to you speak poetry and song... to smell your farm... 

...full moon 2020... walked into the action and caused behavior to re-network... aligned with your rhythm... moved... in yogi... swam in yogi... yogi swims through air... swimming through purple...

...this past moon was clients... learning aesthetic and tailoring medicine... learning that i needed to grow deeper in plants and concoctions... this moon... clients... goal is 5 full paid for pk's... medicine line for the apothecary here... publish materia... make love... like a poem... like a jill scott long walk... elevation... revelation... suah 9:14... 

...youtube channel to service your need to Connect through yoga... writing in community... Love... and Loving like a Lover of Beloved... moving in Source... by moving... instead of thinking...

...on this sun cycle...

...intentions... to continue to hold clinic in devotion as church and state cannot be separated from what the tribe philosopher yedeyah told me yesterday... the way of abraham and through his sons 12 tribes...

... in that first generation... and the way of jesus and his 12 disciples... and the companions of the prophet muhammad and the first generation of muslims...  to live in tribe... community...

...but don't we have to be part of the world... aren't you?... don't you pay bills and rent and work?... yes... he said... but our work is not about individual success... it is not about me getting ahead... it is about community... about building community... about doing for us... not me... and us being devoted to yeshua... to his service...

...that was it... there's the rub between what i am doing now and the role of community... of bees... ants... devotion... at the moment it is to myself... to me... yoga for me... veganism for me... ayurveda for me... and me offering them as services for you to support me... by me supporting you... but not a we... not an us growing each other... not an us building community... not the devotion...

...church and state is based on roman appropriation of jesus... of the gospel... of the Way... to make the Way part time... to make it so that  there are owes you sit and stare at a single preacher... jesus' disciples sat in a circle... the path was circular...

...devotion is embedded in community... in us doing together... being together... Working together... building together... you your folks your kids... me my folks my wife and kids... us all together... Working... not just to be neighbors but despite us... to sacrifice for the One-ness... for the greater good... to live simply... to curb our greeds and desires... hence veganism... hence asana practice... hence carpentry and working together...

...this sun cycle i move into this through integrity... to be my best for You... to build/work in devotion by Working for You... to come together in Love...

...this sun cycle... it's not about me... about my yoga practice and my ayurvedic work and my writings... and my dreams for an ashram... but about us... about us in community through Working together for Compassion for Love... through Working the land... through Working with each other... through non-separation... an aspiration... to Reach High enough...

...how?... why do you do the work that you do?... why do you practice traditional medicine?... to be a medicine man... to be able to heal people... to hold ancient knowledge of healing... to do panchakarmas and be a person who is looked to for/sought for knowledge... to know herbs... to know the body... all selfish...

...this is what i'm realizing... the selfishness in my reasons... what would the Lover want/say/wish desire?... he would seek and want us to be together... he would do medicine not to hold a monopoly on medicine but to share it... to give it away... to Love You... to not be one up on you... to stay humble and learn from you... why should people come to you... because they felt a connection... because their spirit connected... because our spirits met... this is why... because we are in community... to build community... to grow deeper in community... because they are hurt and i have learned some tools that may be able to support them... like soul writing... like fiction... like journaling... like eating and cooking for yourself... to do this and be in community...

...this sun cycle i build community across communities... cross-pollinate immigrant non-immigrant... ethnicities... classes... together... doing this together... through yoga... through conversation... through circular... through spiral... through Being together...

...the yoga system course... yoga is a system... this is a course on learning the system of yoga through a combination of physical practice... asana... breath work... pranayama... devotion... kirtan... satsangh... dharma talks... the prophet... this is a course... the yogi diet... why would people trust me to hold space for this...?... because i share my yoga practice by doing it in public... by youtube and i.g...

...writing through the wound... focusing on a different sense each week to Connect... with the wound... to heal... to transform... why would you trust me to hold space for writing?... because of these pages... because i've published... because of the book...

...healing through foods... developing a charya on eating - through cooking... through pantry building... through veganism... through planting... through connecting with the earth... through gardening...  why would folks trust me with this?... because of i.g. youtube... relationships... recipe books...

...because... for all of these... it is about devotion... about us... it will be spaces of collaboration... collaborating with farmers... painters... models... musicians...

...work in devotion will be my guide this sun cycle--- i am working in devotion?... devotion meaning for the greater good...?.. .for community... not for just me and my paycheck... but for our paycheck... for us to work together...in service of the One...

...to so this all with the mantra: laillahailla... laillahaillala... laillahailla... as i step into Being the Lover...

...summer solstice... i... 2020

...6.20.2020...

...two o... two o...

...in a state of Om... Om trymabakum yejamahe...

...Connected with the 3... as ALLAH prefers odd numbers...

...we are an odd creature... humans... me... you... our species... so engaged in our uniforms... in these garbs we were...

...i'd like to believe i look at how you were your uniform... not the materials you place on it... not the brands of blood sweat from 3rd world countries to make you feel expensive... i look at your spirit... not your words... not your clothes... atleast no the branded ones...

...a friend of mind had all these critiques of the world of white people, of oppression... of the movement... this and that... he ate indiscriminately and held a reek so intense that nausua... his clothes were sloppy...

...what you wear on the outside can also be a reflection of your inside... your inner Being... clean... together... creative and with a light footprint on our Beloved planet...

...summer solstice... cleaned the srotas, squeezed the dhatus... built up the ojas in my morning asana practice... in ujyaai...

...write to You... dear You... it is Always You....

...this summer solstice i pause to see what is around me... what is in the Light... the thoughts that profane... that hurt me and you... the ones that are extraneous... and the ones that are sattvic... keep me in tune with the sahasara and flow through lake meru in a harmony of ida pingala... nadhi shhudi...

...in a space of building ojas... in keeping my seeds within... in breath and meditation that keeps me from dopamine pathways that like dope provide a highly ephemeral high with an immediate crash burn why did i do that...

...this summer solstice... i put to light the past 6... since winter solstice... since the death of the sun... the sun has ascended... has returned... prodigal... have i?... how have i?...

...last 6 have been domestic... winter... corona... a few events... door to door school pamphlets... keeping the car in park.. getting it passed... cooking... stroganoff... mushroom and zuchhini stroganoff to be exact... chocolate bars with an oat date base, date peanutbutter paste and dark chocolate coconut oil coating... zuchinni carrot pasta... single dishes - radish and red onion... turnip fries... okra in tomatoes...

...last 6 has been strong steady asana practice embracing discomfort... but with little seeking out of workshopping blocks that keep me from completing intermediate and tertiary series...

...last 6 saw a steady vinyasa in writing... but this has been precluded by summer hangs... especially in light of cafes being closed...

...last 6 has been a growth and reinforcement in some friendships... the Noble g... the Royal s, emperor... Grand step... Sire d... Know... mo... 1-who-Knows... guru-ji ammu and guruji abbu... the Brother naum... sweet ba...

...the last 6 has been paying off some debts - tuitions - rent... and also saving...

...ramadhan... full moons...

...hanging sparsely with young... L the scientist musician...

...back in the gorges... what has been in the dark - patterns - coming into town... walking... looking for conversations... meetings... encounters... human to human...

...in the dark has been the stories... novels...

...in the dark has been the medicines... kits... clients... medicine man...

..in the dark has been wife kids family...ontop of family... village...

...in the dark has been home...

...in the dark has been dreams...

...how do i bring these to Light?...

...how do i

...full moon june 2020...

... a gemini moon in the midst of pandemics strewn with confetti that i stuffed like a pinnetto... blinding myself and spinning till i fall into the tracks and get swept just in the nick of time by an N train to astoria... home if home is familiarity and safety and a sense of cultural norm... although the cultural mores are mismatched... there is a general vibrancy to voices that vary in tone and rarely reach a decibel of outrageous discontent...

...this gemini 2020 moon... the last before another finish line i keep from babysitting frankie and paul and other kids of friends who trust that they'll be fine when i'm reading a novel of worst case scenarios... including the accidental drowning of a 2 year old...

...this moon... by the time it set above my head like a sunflower hidden by a bush of cropped cedar... i'd already spent most of the mornings crying for slain bodies and hurt and enraged voices and aquiesceing and suppressed ones... and hegemonically accommodating ones... and cried about the extent of our separation and seperationisms and the celebration of this...

...today... this full moon... yesterday... water... ethereal melissa invited me to her full moon gathering - a celebration of water... afterall everything is water... isn't it?... she asked... rhetoric... reflective... yes...

...yes was the resounding response throughout my day... after fleeing the plantation of cyber-duties... in remote incarceration... as my fast became more meaningful by the pull of water... after completing duties in staples...

...walked to the water... in the rain... soaked in the rain... absorbed the clouds overhead... the cleansing of tears from the firmament... stood in the rain as i watched the waves in their brilliance by the east river in sculpture park...

...tears... water she said... rain... east river... water fast...

...what does it mean?... to focus on the universal... the one drop that stays in Connection to the Ocean it emerged from... the Love Supreme... to flow with Your Truth... instead of getting stopped by fears... by the mundane... by mondays and 9-5's...

...i wonder...

...this full moon... one moon after ramadhan in which, unlike previous ramadhans where i experience a withdrawal, a sadness for the community love during the month... i kept up with soem habits built during the month... praying 4 times a day... reading Qur'an... reflecting on it...

...this full moon... i want to be water with my offerings... values... Truth... by doing one thing and letting this one thing be everything else... perhaps... this month... that is yoga... 

last moments of ramhadhan 2020... countdown to rebirth...

...there is half an hour remaining, like the ball you await on december 31st... to celebrate the turn of a number, a year... a bittersweet moment of celebration and a deep confusion/melancholy at the not-knowing ... a moment of destitution at the inability to stop/control this movement of propulsion through space and time...

...hence the tens of thousands congregating at times square... hundreds in parties... paying hundreds to enter... to gain admittance to extended happy hours... to get drunk and high out of your minds... to may ease the pain, soften the confounding...

...we participate in this self destruction as a cultural norm of modernity... somehow a step above the barabarity of uncivlized populations that take pause, hold sacred ceremonies... pray... bow down... light herbs to honor ancestors and the Great Mystery...

...new years... whether gregorian or otherwise... is an opportunity to re-assess... to reflect... to Surrender to the not-knowing... to Knowing and accepting that there is something greater than you and that you are Great in the Surrender and Become...

...ramha is this... it is the retreat into the womb... and the last moments... 25 minutes now... are the moments before a baby is pulled out into this world... yanked from the Light of darkness... into the dark of fluorescence...

...so...

...what will you be?... who will you be...?...

...in these last moments of Rahma...

...who will come out of this period of Quietude... of growing inside... of reciting/reflecting on/exploring revelation?...

...who were you before this month?...

...the script can be rewritten... the character revised... the character who walks in material realms in delusion... destitute and seeking... this is the time to let go... to find liberation in the taking away... of the letting go...

...i have a bunch of clothes for you...

...this is the time to release... to make way... to clear the road... for the Be-coming... who is wanting to come out?... how will this new Being do it different...?...

...base it on the lessons of the past 30 days of fasting...

...for the past 30 days i was in Surrender to not eating and drinking... i never considered a taste of this or that... even when friends i held brief moments with during this period of quarantine ordered food... drank from their water canisters... smoked spliffs...

...for the past 30 days... i continued through my asana practice in the morning... continued to do my remote gig... continued to read write reflect...

...for the past 30 days i continued to cook... growing deeper in pestos and green juices... and buffalo cauliflower "wings"... in prayer in community with my dad... in making medicine for my parents... in Connecting with herbs in my daily walks with and without the homie...

...for the past 30 days i read portions of the Qur'an... wrote reflections of it in my journal... i learned from the wisdom within it that ALLAH Guides those who Seek Guidance... who walk the path of Guidance instead of being passive in their knowledge... that those who are armchair in their approach are hypocrites and cowards... whose belief is questionable... as, on the one hand they say they believe but their actions show their deep attachment to this world...

...ALLAH is Infinite...

...there is no end in sight... no scarcity... give everything... give it all... give it your all... what are you giving?... what you are good at... your talents... what babylon tells you to write a business plan for... tells you that you should save the best for last... to question everything... to love your skin and features and build walls between yourself and others through identity politics...

...what i am rebirthing... who i will Be...

...after learning in previous years that to fall in Love with ALLAH is to Connect through Surrender...

...and what do with this Love is to service Creation...

...and the question remaining is now that i know how to fall in Love with You through deep Connections with Your paradoxical multiplicity and Oneness...

...and to use this Love to serve... which will kindle and rekindle the Love and grow it...

...the question is... how do i do this?... how do i Love and share this Love?... and the answer is glaring...

...do it...

... be fearless in the doing... Be it...  claim it...  be unapologetic in the Truth of this...

...walk it... to walk it fearlessly through entering the discomfort... through focus... discipline and serving those who need you... those around you... to integrate what you Know to offer in this focused manner...

...what is it that i Am Becoming... who i arrived as through ancestry... medicine man... and who i arrive at from pain/hurt/sadness - community...

...what exactly this will look like is unimportant... what remains is to be this fully... by... as ALLAH reminds me... from spending from the bounty you have... you hold... without thrift... without holding back... without a moment of shading into doubt and the not doing...

...one minute now... see you on the other side of the womb... inshALLAH...

...ramadhan 2020... cherish the day...

...in the name of ALLAH... i write for You... what did you do today...?... why...?... what purpose did these serve?... imam ghazali poses these questions in his alchemy of happiness...

...sunday... mothers day...

...today i did some of the dailies - asana for a while... why?... because it grounds me in the day... in my body... in feeling meaningful with my time... in a craft that i've grown some depth in... in prep to share with others at some point... to feel good... to float... what Purpose?... to Connect with my breath and body... as Gifts to shepherd and cherish... i recognize that this body is weak... is mortal... that these ancient ways honor the Gift of it... that these ways derive from spiritual teachings and even if i am not always engaged in the spirituality...

...monday... on the brink of tuesday...

lunar... read your mind in a book store that stay opened against all odds placed on the poker table in the underground casino off union square that i walked to watch chino in his element before his marriage 10 years to the date... and after i promised nothing to no one other than lies i told my self like the french cruller donuts from the diner on the corner of 30th, a neighborhood staple until it shut down before corona... not from the forecast of a virus but from the disease of monied bachelorettes moving in to pay landlords and realtors with dollar-sign eyes that i cringed at when i was in the cafe writing myself into stories with rebel characters dismantling babylon when babylon came and sat next to me discussing the profitability of sunnyside and woodside markets... quarter million deals...

...i counted a quarter million breaths in surya namaskar...

...i read a 785,983 words of fiction this past year and am enthralled in characters that imbue pop up convo for no reason other than to babble a progression of histories that explore meaning that i find meaning in and re-examine my life at night when the pillow sinks my brain into an abyss of imagery so colorful and stark that i wake up chanting the happenings till i can get in my journal and write it all down...

...no love from this or that person... and its me... me at once Seeking and seeking... Seeking You... and yet stuck in me and you... drawn to the mirror that you do your makeup in and that i fit clothes to fit you staying stuck on the one side that makes us two dimensional when really what i want is to walk through with you, to the other side... because we have chemistry and our bodies just an excuse to fall off the cliff at the edge of the world together...

...you go first... no you... no... lets do it together... hands interlaced fingers and veins and elbows twine and legs vine and poison ivy covers our naked legs...

...broke fast with the juice of greens infused with an apple... so did Cing... he sent me a pic... told him i'd share my recipe and thought maybe he could make use of a video i send him and then thought many could make use of it... and i never wrote back to... and i am fatherless... spouseless... and without a proper placed location...

...some would say i am a memory that drifts in a memory on a highway along the coast...

...i meant to refine my intentions for this ramadhan and got sidetracked by these songs that were left on the table next to the dates i never ate... at least not to break fast with... and listened before i opened my eyes... and in the closing i saw the mycellial network in the fruits and liquids before me... how their sacrifice was less happenstance and more intelligence and thought of this in relation to those i have odd relations with in my neighborhood and love... and i can't claim my block... no one knows me here... they only here the whispers of my past lives over the decades of walking up and down these streets but it wasn't enough to capture any indie interest...

...neither this nor that nor that nor this... i blend in well with the 4 million of this city's alienated on the edge jaded and lost... i can't say youth or young or old or poets or beats or writers or immigrant or citizen or american...

...and in the nots i am knotted into you and you and you like a stubborn braid that dreds and shoots split ends into the cracks of my skull that move subtly like tectonic plates under the cast of eyes that are not humble... even though the guy who says this seems bitter and cynical and self-loathing...

...what i'm learning is that i can hear people through their voices... that i get glimpses of them...

...ok... alright... i've been listening to nusrat and kexp and interviews with stametes and mckenna... and its nice to be liberated from a racially arrogant movement that is steeped in oppression olympics and whose on first... and it was really always me... me creating these agreements where i replaced hegemony with hegemony... each time reinforcing my marginalization...

...Reaching for You... i look for places... but am told to Connect means to do the Work and let that land You... what is the Work?... yoga... nutrition... breath... writing... Connecting... with each other to Connect with You... this is what i have to offer... and doing this as part of neither my offering nor my business, but to build and live community... inshALLAH...

...this ramadhan in the table spread... before the family of imran and the inheritance of women and the rights of the heifer... i walk to the water and pluck weeds, pausing to sniff and watching my legs roll like a cycle and i never called her up after seeing her bike past... as ghazzali would ask what -why - purpose?... i guess the real why would be pretty... and the Purpose would be to connect with the pretty... even though i experienced less than this... and neither my soul nor my heart were nourished...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...the question is this: how do i share my Work? make a livelihood?... Connect with You... honor the dreams of family?... build family?... actualize Purpose?...

...if this was the month that revelation happened... and if ALLAH required us to partake in this... then this is a month of revelation for us... how?... how do i gain the signs for self-Actualization?...

...in the name of ALLAH... ramadhan 2020...

...ramadhan in a time of Always... corona queens or corona virus... living in this realm or another...

life neither begins in the womb nor concludes in the grave... the linear storyline of western white/black/brown/yellow folks... the multicultural slave-ship run by mutli-cultural whippers...

...i'm whipping 90 with my feet on the path to the east river here in the queens side of the brooklyn debate that i opted out of when i heard the voice of rappers and politicians coalesce to cultivate a new york provincialism like nationalism, a processed refinement like white bread and sugar... the taste good feel good is a moment on the tongue... thorns in the gut...

...i reach for dandelions and look at the fence of the community garden for macuna with the hijabi morrocan sister who strums in with a mission to connect with the plants as her husbands waits in the car... she points out the violets and the cohosh... we admire the rabbits ear and herbalists of the western frontier...

...this morning... during the podcast on herbs and magic... i re-realized that my story... many of our stories with herbs is neither an aside nor a compartment of herbalist... it is a gradation... ammu's herbalism is kitchen herbalism... it is ancient and ayurveda is steeped in it... possibly the other way around... dadabhy's herbalism is from the forest... my great grandfather's was from his spiritual works with those who needed him... his duas...

...my herbalism... like my grandfather... or what i imagine to be like my grandfather's is not a lone focus... it is part of a medicine system... like bowing one's head down during 5 sun moon and planet nexuses during the day... every day... to recall your dust in the wind... all we are is dust in the wind...

...and when i close my eyes... and reopen them in white hawk farm in ithaca... as the sun goes down... the stars are the canopy of the sky... and one of the original founders of the community tells me what he loves about looking at the sky is not feeling small and diminutive... but feel liberated by being part of something so much grander than our little day to day schemas...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...ramadhan 2020... last year... the year before... the year before... trotting through iftars... Connecting with others on the path... truly the greatest time of year to be in a path of Surrender and connecting with others on this path... our worlds overlapping... all praise is due...

...ramadhan... a couple years back... i asked You - how do i fall in Love with You... You told me... through Connecting... i asked... how do i Connect?... You showed me through the Creation...  through Your Creation... how?... by surrendering the ego... bowing your head... the monkey mind... raising the heart... ceasing thought and anxieties...

...the subsequent year - now that i know how to fall in Love?... what do i do with this?... You told me to serve... to be a servant to community... to Creation...

...and now... after neither taking the lesson from the Love nor the service... i ask this year... ALLAH... what do i do?... when there is financial concerns... life concerns about family... living situation... getting married... etc... what do i do to be one who is in Love and of Service to You...?... how do i Actualize this?...

...what i'm learning is that it is my duty to serve... that by not serving i am hoarding and blaspheming on the Gift... that in doing so i am heeding to the world of senses and not the Real world of the unseen... that i am saying with words that i believe... but not going into battle... when the battle comes i shirk from it...

...these learnings are coming from the Qur'an and the great teacher, imam ghazali...

...the intention... the question this ramadhan is how do i build on being in Love with You...?... You told me it was to Work from a place of inspiration and Create... how do i do this in a way that is full on.. .that isn't just thinking about it... that isn't just being in the sidelines?...

...i think i see... i see images of doing the Work the good deeds... taking away to get Closer... instead of adding on... taking away means sharing... giving away what i'v learned... to help... to support... to be a face a voice... a touch of care... deep Love and tenderness... i know i have this touch from the way i feel when i am working with someone... doing a treatment... feel their spirit and fall in Love...

...full moon april 7 2020...

...in the name of ALLAH... Always... and of course only You Know...

...there are the bearers of Truth... their Truth is evident... felt... more than a class or a video... outside of instagram... in the name of...

...tonight... tonight i break fast... broke it.. .with my folks... an honor to Connect... was reminded in my flee from the sequestering that many more than most work jobs they are dissatisfied in... that they do it because they feel they have to... they are holding on to something, attaching... believing in something that may not be true... more often than not is not true...

...last full moon was a different world... but what has changed inside?...

...i wonder this about all of us... what has changed in how you will engage with the world now... i hear folks talking about how education/jobs will never be the same again... this means that there will be more remote work... more people staring at screens from their home... ball and chained for 8-9 hours a day... their sabotage in the work place being quick runs to the fridge... sneak texts and calls... perhaps a squeeze of an episode of this and a game of that...

...sabotage... we are the ones being sabotaged by a false reality... and still... something tethers us... what?... can we ever be village... community... peace for each other... for the world... for generations... if this is how we move... i get that there are people who don't want to work... i don't want to work that is sleazy... unmeaningful... what is meaningful?...

...yoga... being part of a team... cooking... eating together... breaks... making medicine...

...last full moon i said i would aim and shoot... the moon before i said i would clear on what it is i want... that clarity was essential for what i would work towards... since things were still unclear i decided to apply getting clear... aiming... shooting on a day to day... moment to moment... like this blog... this reflection... aiming to get my soul onto this page... seeing what comes up... wondering if words could rescue me... could give my soul ease...

...maybe it is all a dream... but the potential of the dream to lead into the dark crevices of babylon keeps us tethered... the possibility of homelessness... of going broke... of scraping... working mickey dees at 50... still running... still in a rat race... still not taking the risks...

...then what is the dream...?... does the dream happen through keeping one foot in safety and the other foot reaching for whatever?... i don't think so... i think... from gandhi and martin and malolm and huey and che and fidel... and from my poppa and granddada... that it happens through necessity... that this is what has to happen... that this never comes from a place of fear...

...so if fear... if the fear of losing... of homelessness and loss...and dissapointment were not there, then what would the aim be?... how would the walk look towards this?...

...this full moon i get nuanced with aim and shoot... i ask... if fear weren't in the equation... what would my aim be... what would i have to risk to get there?... then i'd walk... briskly... tall... like my head were in heaven...  

...aloe vera...

...picked up a couple leaves of aloe vera, which means two long heavy sword like pieces that can be used as a weapon with their jagged edges...

...bought it to make a medicinal grade food for my dad, who is having gastric issues...

...aloe appears in the ancient egyptian medical text - ebers papyrus...

...aloe contains strong anti-inflammatory qualities, and are anti-bacterial... thus it acts as a strong dental agent... in comparisons with toothpaste gel it has been deemed as effective...

...aloe has wound healing properties that can be used both topically as well as internally, for conditions like ulcers...

...i'm conjecturing that due to its coating and cooling property that we can observe... it is anti-inflammatory and protective.. .thus it would have this impact on all membranous parts of our bodies... whether its skin, or cell membrane or the neurons... 

...rose quartz...

...ali... the grandson fo the prophet wore four gemstones on his fingers... although the emphasis of islam is on bowing to no one thing or component part - whether it be a statute or a person or a single tree... and instead staying focused on the 1ness... there is still great reverence for the Creation in its multitude...

...we see the reverence of the stone not just in ali... but also in the omnipotence of the blackstone in mecca...

...stones carry a frequency... a vibration... some are medicine for some and poison for others... so it's important to be aware of the stones you adorn...

...stones also assimilate energy and transform... the question to ask is to what...

...what stone then is right for you?... this will depend on your constitution... and imbalance...

...in vedic astrology gems represent the planets... for instance... amehtyst holds energetics of saturn... and thus it invites the energy of saturn into your life...

...thinking of stones in this way is enriching... because it ties us into the cosmos...

...rose quartz is used for compassion... it is feminine... it holds dear the traits of sensitivity... love... romance... it prioritizes relationships... our intimacy... and connects us with our heart... 

...full super worm moon march 2020...

...intentions... this month... started with a half step... started in the space of doubt... self-doubt... panic... fear... ungrounded at that knowing i've done it before... fasted... for years... and yet it comes up... not today... it'll be too much... but it doesn't feel right when i don't... and it feels great... not eating... just drinking liquids... so i know it is a mind thing... i know that it is psychosomatic... and so i partially gave in... doing a partial fast for one day... and then a full fast the following day... a departure from the usual...

...the departure didn't grow in risk... which i'm reminded of here... in a cafe... just like i was in montreal... in madrid... in goa... sipping... being here instead of a class... instead of a community struggle... alone... reclused... immersed in writings that i do nothing with...  of ocurse there doesn't have to be a product... of course... the Light...

...years in cafes... which make sense if there was a share component... why isn't there?... how do i get this out to you?... how have others done it...?...

...start with what is doable... what you can get out... start with a clear aim... aim is to get this work of short stories published... why?... because... to be in conversation with you and you and you... to be in dialogue with history... to be part of the shape... the change... the growth... the Love Supreme... because i was inspired to write this... so it can't be about me...

this month... last month... end of the world scenarios... now that its ending... what?... enjoy company... each other... Love... Lovers... make Love... say it... give... Be... sacrifice...

...last month... aim shoot... this month... this month... upon reflection... what i learned is that aim shoot has to be active... a doing... a 99% practice... like todays yoga practice... had clear aims... meaning a moment to moment... a thing to thing... a one thing to another thing... aim and shoot...

...ashtanga... tertiary... quartenary... completing intermediate... and finessing poses in primary... have been a goal... but often this is a b.g. thought... an intention... not always with clear and actionable steps that i take...

...but i have been recently with my matless mat... stepping with an aim... tratasana... supta trivikramasana... reclining splits... dwi pada viparita dandasana... super soldier... bhuja vinyasa... aimed and shot... and fell... and shot... and missed... and shot again...

...doing this with my writing... starting with a time commitment... with the fiction... the short stories... been aiming for 1 hour of uninterrupted revising... aiming for three hours a day...

...aim in medicine making is to share plant medicine... to deepen my connection to the plant medicine but also to share... to help my aunties... ammu and abbu... a medicine kit... that includes hygeine that is not anti- but pro-... that isn't taxing of resources but complements... that is grounded in ethics - local/seasonal/0 waste... to hold community classes... yoga... ayurveda... writing...

...aim in culinary arts is to make vegan cakes using the residue of pulp...

...aiming and shooting... what's your aim?... how are you practicing daily...?...

...this virus reminds us to stay humble... to take risks... that ALLAH Knows best... and what will happen will happen... so stop clutching for safety... for caution... doing things out of fear... as you may be worrying even now... what will happen if i lose my job?... it would be a Gift... an opp to step your game up... to Reach Higher... to do exactly what it is you would want to be doing in regards to Purpose... what would You be doing?... what is Your Purpose...?... not the reckless do you that the media promotes in our modern world... but the Real You... why Are You here...?... if You want to Know how you may discover this... consider what inspires You... what makes You feel Your Highest...?... and then share this... Reach... let go... stop pinching the dollars and cents... the weekly paychecks... the familiarity... dive... into Purpose...

...in the name of ALLAH...

...Always... it was Always You... then why do i forget?...

...if i know this isn't it... if i know this is just a moment... if i know that everything passes... if i know those i was intimate with... if i know that our levels of connectivity changed... if i know that the initial electricity became diffused... that our feelings changed... that no one but One... that we are no longer together... that u n me began and ended... then you... n butterflies... n then jealousy... n then apathy... n then game over... n then you... and wow... and man... n damn this is different... then gone... then you... and the tension... and the once in a while... and then connecting here and there... and wanting to fit you in... to make you mine... but you refused... and sadness... and frustration... and myopia... and then gone... and...

...time happens... and everything changes... jivamukti closed.. and i say la illaha illala... and another day gone... cause yesterday i was just trying to make it... yesterday i was just hoping the yoga and the culinary... and the siesta and shower... and journaling would keep anchored enough to keep from falling into the cracks... hitting the broken... floating in a 140 proof... tom and i didn't leave in time...

...but the why remains... and i would tell you if you told me this... to breathe... to be fearless... to embrace the discomfort... to let go of the ego... the complacency... the image... to call or text... if its fear of rejection if its wanting to save face... to build appearances... but to not call if this is the discomfort... to wanting to know... to seeking affection... to Know You Are Enough... as You Are in All... and through Loving ALL i find You... and through embracing individuals... idolize...

...so?... so be okay with being with you... with yourself... with yourSelf... Love... cry... be vulnerable...

...the most challenging times have been those most rewarding - deeply honest... and facing the consequence - and letting myself go through it... sis fr uptown... sis fr n.j... the homie t...

...roll with honesty... see what comes... stay focused on the Work... inshALLAH... 

...instead...

...there's this... but then... that... which one...?... what you choose is essentially both and all... how?...

...if it is a decision between hanging out with a new friend, or an old friend, or attending an event, or staying home. or hitting a cafe... whichever you decide to go with means you've also chosen not to do the others... i.e. tonight i chose cafe over an event... over staying at home... over hanging with a friend... etc... this means i chose not to do the other things...

...choosing not to is a good thing... it keeps you within bounds... the challenge is when you want to do all of it... and you try... as i have... many times... and in the process... not getting deep with any of it... nyc... cities... train us for this... suburbs are the opposite... train you not to do anything... to grow fat and sedentary...

...in between there is village... being village as verified by the ancient ways... cultures devoted to spirit... where illustration sculpture writing all were in devotion to the One... this breadth provides clues to being village... into how to move... and even in babylon this becomes possible through principles... as has been my understanding of the teachings of the prophet muhammad...

...jesus moved with compassion... being like jesus for me means being compassionate... the prophet teaches us to anchor our days with Connecting to that which is Always... by becoming One through practicing nothingness... what does it mean to become nothing?... to give up... give it up... let go... arms up without a public enemy symbol on my back...

...instead of going to nutrition school at this moment... instead of jumping into the next thing... i am in single minded focus towards building the school community ashram house... a space of Love... devotion... spirituality... religion... ancient ways...

...single minded focus... one step at a time...