...to build... to grow... what are you resisting? what is resisting you?... how are you facing it?... are you letting it crush you...?... are you avoiding it...?...
...the truth is i write because i have to... the truth is... this is about me... i am really writing to myself... and yet... the paradox is... i love writing to me by writing to you... and there is no resistance at this point... i don't know who you are... there is no weight.. no demands... no expectations... no commitments...
...under a hundred pounds of steel, i pump... and when i am done, i feel swole... muscle fibers tear... and new ones grow... when i add another ten pounds... i am reaching with everything inside of me to pump... to get it... i am close to letting go... but know that i can't, cause my throat or chest will crush... so i push harder than i have until that point... and hook the barbell into place, leap up, and beat my chest...
...something to the bench-pressing, weightlifting thing...
...you actively embrace resistance, and push through...
...the greater the battle the sweeter the victory...
...in yoga... for me... this is going through an entire vinyasa... it is sticking to it... it is staying extra long in a pose that is extra challenging... it is getting up after you fall and try again...
...what in your life are you resisting?... i am resisting time... that this is finite... that this human thing ends... that i have all the time in the world... and in the process seasons of life happen and i haven't shared much with you... haven't been in dialogue... and what i realize is that i want to be in dialogue with you... conversation... me and you... accountable... growing together... more than audience... a discourse to help us both grow...
...i am resisting time by being nonchalant, lacsidaisical, perfectionist... and in the process... the novels, short stories... the herbal blends... the courses... all of that gets shelved... the collaborations... the marriage... the kids... the house...
...i am resisting doing these things for that perfect moment... waiting for the perfect moment to get a house... because not all the pieces are in place... and they weren't in place 20 years ago... and time has gone... until i have completed intermediate series with finesse... and in the mean time... until i come to grips with being an immigrant... a foreigner... of a culture so foreign that it barely exists on the planet any more... like a species on extinction... my culture of 1940's undivided india, of 1950's 50's east pakistan, of 1970's bangladesh... of being of this parentage... of having been born in this soil... and then uprooted... being elsewhere... in a land whose language was so thready, i felt stitches come over my mouth in kindergarten, and my words jammed into silence...
...i looked for surveillance cameras by the bulk foods section... and snacked like i escaped famine... and paid for a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of what i ate...
...i know herbs in theory... by name sometimes latin... by properties described on websites... by some books i've gone through, by ayurveda sites i've copied and pasted from... but besides a few herbs... i have very little direct experience with the ones i hold, that sit in my room... so i have done nothing with them... other than watch them... other than imagine taking them one day... one by one... other than imagine having an apothecary in which i get to taste all these herbs so i can better assist you... so i can know what i'm talking about... so i am resisting doing anything with them for this reason... my resistance is avoidance... avoidance is not resistance... it is eschewing, it is cowering... it is pretending... resistance is to accept this is where you are - this - what i told you - and then doing something - taking it on... i want to get you the medicine... and understand the medicine more... and want to make sure it works... so i make preparations, based on what the ancients said, based on what i've read and heard, based on trying it, based on you trying it... but instead of doing it in a theoretical order... i embrace the doing... the action... the making of medicine and trying it out with you... with me... and see what happens... what the results are... and embrace the not knowing by offering a feedback sheet to get your experience and mine... so this way... together... we could know...
...by sharing with you... these stories... by really putting myself out there... this yoga... getting feedback from what you have to say...
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