beaver moon nov 2022 reflections

...in the name of the Infinite, Al Akhir... the Rahma, the Rahim... all praise is due through this humming in life... through the ritual forecasts into what is to come by looking behind...

...dressed in the clothes of melting... loongi and a cotton captain america torn salvo tee... the descriptions i would give if someone were to suddenly stop me on a new york street in soho or rochester... just as the fashion obsessed do, as it has become what gives them meaning... losing the focus on what is Real... on dressing and aromatic-ing from the beauty within... 

...this past month... between the hunter's moon and this beaver's moon, i bear witness to the continued lines of self oppression... of storylines that have kept me in a frequency less than Aligned... 

...entitlement has been a deep point of disenchantment in me from the sheer amount of it flaunted in so many communities across race and class lines... here in the us... here in our someone everyone owes me something... something about that is celebrated in our culture... something about proximity to oppression to being so called oppressed... unless of course you are from a country that is being bombed, a people that is being murdered... and find themselves running for ships to be smuggled across an angry ocean... than it;s less cool... less interesting... less fascinating... 

fascinating this life thing - things... lots of things... lots of if i weren'ts... if you weren't than theres no potential to could, to shift, change, shape, co create... but if you are here... while you are here you can shape, can shift, can embrace the challenges that feel overwhelming, that feel like why whats the it  point i don't matter, i'd rather be done with this, i'd rather move on to the next, an access to capital give you this access to resources, to consumerism consumer ways facilitates buying and disposing, bu pausing, slow economics, Nature - Dhamma - require you to pause, to deal with the matter at hand... 

in the name of the One... 

this past month what i learned from the previous month of dental horror, is to confront, is to not repeat the pattern of boundary crossing, of embracing the fear in ti... of laillahaillala... this was... these were intentions int he past that worked when i worked on them... and when i didn't... they went away... they were partially there... 

.

... a few things come to mind... embrace the issue... ask yourself what am i afraid of in this?... ask yourself what if i died right now...?... what could i have done to do it different... and ask yourself what if the other person in front you died... what could you ahve different while they were alive... ?... the combination of them and you - of them being alive and you being alive and both of you potentially not being here is more than about you being brave and expressing your fearlessness on the other... but considering their mortality, and how they are meaningful and having a compassionate impact on them as well... one that could be valuable if they were to pass... an opportunity to do a good deed, to have their Spirits raised... to experience kindness, warmth... 

...this beaver moon... i take the lesson of being a fearless advocate for Self, by embracing the challenge at hand, as i did this past month... by rewriting the storylines that have kept me violated, violating, etc... i build on this observation and rewriting of storylines that have not served me... this transformtaion... by what came out of this - considering - what if the other person in front of me, that is around me, that is in my life at this moment were to die... what would i want them Know that will Align them deeper in Love...?... 

...i will do this by considering with those closest to me and rewriting story lines that keep me putting off Honoring them and me - my mom - and me putting off the house the family... my dad and putting off the hug/s, the writings, the library project... my brother and putting off the yoga, the manifesting/success of the Work i do... the people who are looking to me for Guidance... and ending up dead, dying, hurt, disaffecting - by providing Guidance... for Worship... not to be worshipped... 

...ten thirteen twenty two...

 ...in the name of... bismillah... 

...beginnings and endings... and mostly greys... mostly everything is greys... even spellings of words that you may have a hard and fast about... youd probablee unduhr stand mee if i rote this... spelling may play a role... words are important... they hold frequency... so even a grey on my statement of greys...

...today has been grey and beautiful and some highlights include getting to this cafe just before it poured...  being able to bask in the mist and slight drizzle on my way here... absorbing the frequencies from the heavens to my head... 

...another highlight was my morning practice... the sense of limitation along with realizing through one of my characters that what makes me feel the most awake is during periods of growth, of challenges that i embrace and the make me sweat and grow... this is possible every moment... n certainly in my morning practice... there is an order to vinyasa... an intelligence... makes sense to go through it... and then to honor the season with a single salutation or three specific to that season atleast once a week if not everyday... 

...still corners has given me this music to rock out to, to write to, to journal and begin the vinyasa of writing... to warm up... 

...the person who created this screen and the concept of keyboards has given me this opportunity to engage in the creative writing process in this way of tap dancing, of making music of running my hands wild and wild out in the modern sense...

...and i love not knowing... and staying open... and asking questions and learning as it draws me Closer to understanding... ALLAH Knows what you do not... feel that... Trust it..

...another highlight was the conversation w my dad and uncle about the brain vs the spirit... if the brain goes dead, or begins to forget and decays, diminishes, how come our spirit doesn't recognize or See?... how come we need out brain to recognize others?... can the spirit recognize without the brain? or does the spirit go away when the brain gets injured?... i don't know... a thought... a question i have/had... posed when my dad spoke of a childhood friend's dad losing his memory n not recognize even her... my dad said that is something deeper to discuss... my uncle agreed... but added that you will get a different answer based on whether you ask a person of science vs a person of religion... i just asked a friend this question... cause i really want to know and don't... it feels good to be Open... it felt good to Connect w my uncle... we used to be real close at one point and kind of drifted these past few years... mostly i did... 

...another highlight was walking without a hat as it was raining and feeling at once drops of rain and my balding spot being exposed to possible scrutiny... the greatest being from myself... 

...another highlight is my mom... Always full of Light and Joy... and making me a big pot of kitchari... even though i need to lay low... right now...

...another highlight was the dentist... advocating for me... being open to learning from his professors... taking their suggestions and letting them guide... making sure i didn't have to come back yet another day... 

...another highlight was learning of the spanish revolution and that it was war between the republicans and the nationalists... and the republicans were communists anarchists etc., and mostly a guerrilla force supported by international movements that sent volunteers, while the nationalists were supported by portugal and nazi germany... garcia de lorca, a giant of a poet at the time, was one of those taken in and assassinated when the nationals had won... he was part of the 39 club - che, malcolm, martin... 

...i finally have glasses again... so i could see, n not dependent on contacts which address my nearsightedness, but not the need to read and see things close... with glasses i can take them on n off which i love... 

...another highlight was having clear bowel movements... eating a bowl of kitchari with avocado and lots of olive oil and coconut oil... 

...lots to be thankful for... 

...what i realized today is to choose the less attractive route... like i did at the eyeglass store... when there were three women, and the one most visually attractive was interested in helping me, i went with the one who might be consdiered less attractive, but has a beautiful heart and has seen me once a year for a few years now... 

...that to be of use means having channels/ways to Connect with folks in writing, yoga, kits, medicine, offerings... that can help... that can people started at least... in deepening their path... and then the rest... 

...in the name, breath of Breath... 

full moon 11 august 2022 tarot

 the goal card this month to Connect with my Higher Self is the Queen of Cups... 

this is a doubly feminine card, as it embodies the queen, who often plays a background role to the King, but in many ways represents are internal self, as the moon does in astrology. The cups signify emotion, and the queen of cups may be the ball bearer of emotion, as she holds a trophy size cup while sitting on her throne. The throne signifies her regality and it appears to be sitting on the sea itself, so that she is at once floating and defying gravity, by placing gravity in her heart and reflectiveness - compassion. 

what kept me from my Higher Self this past month, was the inability to really ask questions to understand someone else's perspective. This was me going deeper in empathy, but instead of just being able to accept that someone else has a context, it was for me to grow deeper in their context. Instead, my ego got in the way of asking and really seeking to understand. The queen offers me the opportunity to prioritize being reflection and receptive, receiving  others with welcome and gratitude - you're here, i'm pleased, thank you - making others feel welcome not as a show, but by going deeper in being empty and a house that can receive. the queen then signifies my ability to be empty and receive in order to more genuinely ask questions without an ego attachment and Listen and hold space. 

week 1 in this moon cycle is the five of swords who stands fearlessly on the battlegrounds even as others have abandoned their post, he holds the sword of his own and another, watching others depart into the sea, while remaining steadfast like arjuna. This first week I will go deeper in equanimity - in the Spirit of duty and responsibility without attachment to outcome or applause. I will tap into receptivity by doing it as a duty, a responsibility, an action and not a passive intention. i will act on being receptive and listening by taking action, i.e. on getting a place, on selling things i no longer need, on packing the car, on cooking with Love, on completing my zines, on selling my teas, on making a livelihood with the medicine i sit on, on posting on instagram. being receptive this weeks means acting - taking action on my duties

week 2 night of pentacles: this week i will prioritize the reception to currency and building on my duties and heart by clearing a road for receiving abundance through the march ahead in setting the foundation for family, home, and Work. 

week 3 the devil: this week i will pay attention to how my ego may get in the way of me being receptive to the needs of others and my Self, by transforming my Work to be heart-centered instead of driven by money and ego and fame, etc. i will be receptive to holding space for others in a way that is not about me doing something for them, but instead being a place for them to find salvation. 

week 4 wheel of fortune: this week i will use my receptiveness to take risks, Tuning in to what type of risks I will need to take to grow my Love my Reception and sharing this with others in a way that is viable for me and them and grows peace and worship to the One... Trusting the whole time that I will be cared for. 

...july 13... the full moon...

 ... in the name of ALLAH... july's full buck moon is upon us... according to the farmer's almanac it is the closest we on planet earth get to the moon... making it a super moon... in it's appearance and distance... since it will be lower in the sky, southward, it will appear even bigger during its apex... 

...the buck is the male deer and their antlers will appear to be their fullest at this time of year...

...the moon has been a constant in my life... as much as the sun has... i started on this journey of yoga through sun salutations and shortly after... the moon came to be an important player in my life... in many ways even before the sun was an obvious sign of the One... the moon was... as holy men in my life walked to rooftops to sight the moon for eid, and other auspicious occurrences involving the life of the prophet prophets, days of ascension only Known through the signs of ALLAH...

...so prominent is the moon in this path of Surrender that it engulfs our star... 

...on this fictional path of yogi, as a Seeker, the moon and moon fasting became a necessary part of my days... i found myself writing intentions reflections on this day, looking up when possible, having ceremony with people in my life and seeing what came up for me... 

...one of the poems that has been most central to my life is rumi referring to the humble moon... 

...i can't say i notice major changes in myself during the full moon... some people say they do.. i don't know... i can only speak for me... i don't know that my life is less climactic at this point of month than during other points... it seems equally bland and tumultuous... 

...some of the most powerful moments i've had is doing and being in community ceremony during the full moon... making and sharing intentions together... 

...in the name of ALLAH, the Most Compassionate, the Most merciful... 

...how is it in other traditions?... is it important to know? is it okay to not know? what happens if you don't know does this mean you can't do anything during the full moon?... what if we started blank today, as humans, with our same level of capacity to manipulate and understand?... i would still look to the moon, see it as a calendar... a marking of our days here on planet earth... a way to weigh the past month... a way to root and Work... living according to the phases of the moon... each day being a little different, as per the season, as per the region... in the name of ALLAH.. the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful... 

7.6.22 ...Working for the Work...

 ...running for a thrill... hoping it will land me in tibet on friday and thailand on sunday... i hear that there is no end to the beaches there and the expats have cultivated 24 hours in a way new york claims with its chest beating trumps of all colors... 

... after the 6th day, on the 7th, in between flights to tokyo, i am forced to wonder about the disappearances... what happened to everyone around me... everyone i was best friends with just a day ago... drinking coconut water, smoking hashish, yoga-ing with... and a week into being in kabul 1970, before the u.s and soviet invasion, before the rise of the masses against the corrupt and u.s puppet regime that facilitated a similar night life party scene as it did in cuba under batista, not only was havana a station for military operations but a haven for red light districts and night life for our boys... i'd forgotten that there was a group of people i stayed up till 3am with every night... in the face of new friends new tunes, new love interest... 

...a swivel door... some people don't know how to stop their twenties... their twenties meaning their american twenties... meaning doing whatever, having fun, living carefree... some of us feel the knot tied to our throat... lest we forget that we are here for a brief moment... when we go too far... someOne is looking out for us... ensuring that the senses are available for us to go deeper to deepen this Spirit... this journey... to Connect... in the name of ALLAH...

...ALLAH, nor jesus, nor the prophet muhammad, nor buddha, nor krsna, nor moses need to hear their name repeated... need for us to let them know we said their names 108 times and paused before our meal to say this... 

...but somehow we do... somehow i need you to say my name and say how great i am so i could bow out and say no no no i'm no one really, except when you don't say it, except when you never mention me, never credit me, never give me love, etc etc... then the beastly ego 666's and beats his chest and makes claims and boasts and makes himself look even more stupid because he has given into a false reality, has fell for the oldest trick in the book - the True test of ego... 

...we are in the midst of it when we are fired, reprimanded, overlooked, appropriated, not credited, screamed at, cheated, not looked at, not acknowledged, etc., etc. ... the True test is when we can face the beast that breathes inside and withdraw all food/sugars etc., from him... 

...Love is when you do and are prostrate to the Work, without Seeking approval... with embrace of what is... doing cause the Work needs doing... moving from Work and not from thrill... Being in Collaboration with angels and djinn that are Reaching... with dolphins and elephants, crows and pigeons and eagles...

...in the name of ALLAH... you Know what to do... 

3 july 2022 intentions for 12

 ...accidental... this morning was beautiful... and then the lesson that occurred is what i left behind... do one thing at a time with deep focus Reach... going in... and i didn't... i was trying to juggle... i was trying to do and be at two places at once... and life constantly tells me you can't... that it has to be one step at a time... go slow... go forward... try... Reach... in the name of... a lesson... humbling... lets see... let it roll and see what happens... 

...in the name of ALLAH... i bear witness on this revolution of the number 12... a holy cipher that won't occur again for another 9 years... the numbers... numbers... deutoronomy...

...typing fast... not stopping for periods or grammar... not trying to make sense... not really caring... knowing that i'm trying to figure something out... that its about me... about us... You and me... and i don't know how any of this works...

...met a couple at the menonite service today... they were beautiful... had 8 kids... were steeped in the church... in jesus... didn't seem too different from the amish... from the perspective of other christians - trinity - the father son holy ghost... and yet they had their denomination... perhaps this is the same in islamic majority countries... who knows...?.. 

...what's important is that i learn and that i learn to let go of somethings and go deep and deeper still in other things... wanted to say peace... 

...today... i stared at my phone longer than i wanted.. trying to figure out how to post through my phone... took forever... would've rather walked more... would've rather spent time making Love and making medicine.. .and Being Connected... maybe writing poetry and reading pomes and making a difference being present in the lives of others... 

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate... the Most merciful.. .and maybe this is all that has to be said over and over and the repetition will lead to the Truth... to the Us... 

...summer... july 3rd 2022... woke up at 3am and practiced for 2.5 hours and could practice another 3... because it's that deep... because it is Love... 

...intention to Work to Worship not to be worshipped... what occurred to me through the burn in the solstice... to do one thing at a time... fully present... going deep... Reaching... Being Clear... honest... Compassionate... from a place of Love... in the name of ALLAH... 

...this year... intentions are to manifest what i've been avoiding - the Work that will draw me deeper in worship - seeds of tribe... putting forth the Work by showing up and using the feedback... by not compromising Soul for quarters... by practicing nonduality in non compartmentalization in all matters - family friends Work... to allow the Work i do to be a bridge for me and the people i Work with to get Closer... to share more... a lot more... through showing up and doing... 

...july second twenty twenty two...

 ...moments before my nascent... saturn more than half way in its second revolve... and the revolution happened while i sat in a cafe and typed like it meant something ...like it was the most important thing in the world... and usually i can't think without writing... without seeing these words to make meaning of what any of this means... 

...in the name of ALLAH... what the self help books and gurus of this age tell you is that if you only did this or that and if you do it this way and if you spend some more time doing this and if you build this habit of success and do this type of yoga... and the thing with it with all of it is that i don't know... i don't get how we became such islands... how we are all supposed to figure it out by ourselves when our very birth was a collaboration an act of union between male female and those rooting for them, family friends... we are so integrally innately intertwined that we have belly buttons... a cord had to be cut for us to be an individual... 

...and yet the self help will tell us to take on these practices... the tim robbins motivational speakers and modern day know it alls like sadhguru will tell you that you just have to do these three things and if you attend one of their weekend workshops and eventually one of their month long programs and maybe even a subscription to what they say and have to say and how they say then you will figure it out... it will get better... better than better... 

...but what about the fact that we need each other... not just for an occaisonal call or hang... but we need to be with and around each other... that we are medicine for each other and through being together in a real and deep way we learn and grow deeper in our selves... 

...in the name of ALLAH... and with all this said... with all the fancy spiritualisms of realizations... what to do about it in a landscape of peace out... see you when i see you... meaning it was good taking this course with you and doing this and that with you... and now it's over... and it is... don't let any of the new age gurus (whether they are white or black as krsna) tell you otherwise... don't let them tell you that their program their services their words their course will do the trick... or help in some way... it won't... it may scratch a surface but there's a lot more... there;s a hell of a hell of a lot more... the lot more is in the fact that individuals are telling you as an individual what to do... indviduals making money off individuals... listen to individuals whon gave up individualism to be part of a deep and meaningful community which incolves real accounability and not signs and words and politics that talk about what they support and what they don't... don't be fooled by the sentimentalism of "the victim" and "the oppressor"... sometimes it is the so called victim thats oppressing... 

...and it makes snese in that it doesn't... none of it really does... except in the Quiet... except in the spaces of deep Quiet... go hang with those who are Quiet... it's the loudest you should avoid... it's the loudest who we always hear about... see in the binary media... it's the loudest who get the airtime... these days loud isn't just a bullhorn and a riot... it is social media... it is those who are skilled at marketing... the loudest can be silent and still loud... 

...Quietness... find those who are Quiet and learn from them... they wont' speak to you about us and thems... you know how i Know?... i spend time with some of the Most Quiet Beings on earth... the trees, the lakes, rivers, gorges... the mountains and desert... you won't hear them saying a word... and yet... they will leave you full... more than full... speechless... and just cause you are also like every single person... experiencing elements doesn't mean you are spending time with elements... to spend time means to pause... to go deep... to really just root and see what happens... 

...everything everyone passes... every trend goes out... every movement fades... and energy is that which cannot be created nor destroyed... so transform the energy of attachment to a false reality to go deeper in the Quiet... to go deeper in compassion... in commitments... in Working to Worship not to be Worshipped... in doing these things on a breath level... every second... one thing at a time... diving in... seeing the folds of water and fish and the beak of the bald eagle as it shoots into the water for seconds from a 100 yards in the sky to catch its prey... notice it all... second to second... 

...all of this requires Trust... Trust that if You do the Work... you will get the feedback You need to move forward... even if this feedback is not what you wanted... even if it is hurtful... be okay with the feedback... because it is Real... move/Work from the spaces between yourself... from that place of deep yogic breath... Connect... and move from here... i

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful... 

...summer solstice... surya namaskar... 6.21.22...

 

...in the name and breath of the Most... i bear witness that this is something beyond the knowers... beyond the dictionary writers... beyond the movement mission statement drafters... beyond the identity politics of me and my people versus everyone else... beyond temporary sensual exchange... 

...i Realize permanence in ammu and abbu... in their Love... unconditional... kind... giving... accountable... deep... more touch than hours and days of bedrooms with lovers... 

...i understand what Spiritual means through this depth of Knowledge... of teachings of Being born into a family of gurus... Real Gurus move in Quiet... without ever claiming this... through their words and deeds... 

...108 salutations left me falling apart... in disrepair... in counting... in accepting that i needed to go through this... this falling apart... this burn... to embrace it... to stop counting... to stop looking ahead... to be okay with no pauses... no looking at my phone... no wonder of who is texting calling... being okay with being in the 54th salutation and examining my alignment... my geometry... was it matching with the Sacred Geometry as prescribed/Guided by the Sages...

...there is something deep about those who embrace... who do not question... for years i thought it was the other way around... that it was those who question everything that was smart and knew something... but i Realize that it may very well be the other way around... that there is a depth of Knowledge to those who accept... in the name of ALLAH... 

...what i burned today was:

...of judgement that causes walls and a lack of compassion/understanding... that my universalism itself has become a wall against those like my past self caught up in identity walls... and instead embrace that people are were they are through compassionate path... Being deep and clear in path and universalism without tearing down someone else's perspective and path... 

 ...not seeing things through completion and brought to Light completion commitment - seeing things through no matter how hard no matter how messy and imperfect... as the journey of the 36 taught me... 

...expecting reciprocation for things i may do... the way i may speak or move which i may view as considerate, kind, sweat labor... and instead do because it is Worship... that the Work itself is Worship and doing from a place of Worship of the Oneness... of Soul... instead of trying to impress... instead of trying to get you to worship me i Work to Worship not to be worshipped... with no expectation of a return... 

...what this means practically is to go deeper in the Work to share it to collaborate... to do this through going deeper in Love without convincing... with only doing... with clear communication... with and from that place of Warriorhood... 

...of course this happens only through Work... through internal Work... through a plan... through being supple in the plan and Working towards it... in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate...

...today is a clear sign of the One... a marker of seasons, days and times... 

 

...summer solstice 2022...

 ...in the name of the Most... Compassionate... Mercy... i bear witness over and over as death is everywhere... and leaves me you us in a state of wonder, awe, hamlet... 

...hamlet is once a noun, adjective and verb... the state of not getting life, of being in wonder, amiss, crushed by the ceiling that is existence... that even alexander the great had to die... became a jumble of bones... and of course if we do reach old age then our death will be less romantic... less memorialized... 

...in the name of...

...blessed summer solstice... blessed blessings... the time of year when the day is longer than any other day... when you shed light on what is happening in your life.. illumine what is holding you back... and let what is holding you back burn... 

...what is hold you... keeping you from You... from being One... from being non dual in Your relations... in the past it was being engaged in identity politics in an us and a them and in my recent past it has been the opposite - have little room for identity politics... feeling betrayed by it... feeling like it wasted my time and made me separate and dishonest in how it made me pretend... play into the racial theatre of an us and them... and in the process letting all the multicultural/ethnic/racial us' get away with being ethnocentric, ant- this and that, violent, self-involved, hierarchical in who's more oppressed... but even this line of thought... this critique is after all separating... creates walls... lacks compassion...

...if the One behind our breath, behind our safe placement through the womb and our making it here... this far... whether you are 5 or 85... is constantly showing Compassion... is constantly in a state of giving ... even if it is cancer and you're on your way out... then who are we... me... to lack compassion... to judge... to dismiss...?... 

... i can only go deeper in Love... if what i'm worried about is people not getting my critique of overembracing identity... i can only go deeper in letting go more of my own identity... 

...what is my identity? thinking i am someone... that i am a yogi writer chef spiritual universal... all these are identities as well... they serve me in that they keep me in a place of discipline and Reaching... they hinder me in that they keep me in an identity... with ego... with criteria... the only Criteria is You... 

...in having You as central to me that i am moved by Love and not evidence... with Creating and not proving... with Reaching and not passing time... with art and not pretending and tracing and passing off... 

...letting yogi Lover artist Be a path towards You vs a me that i want to make happen... 

...i want to let burn the identity of me that is not Working towards You by seeking to promote me and seeking to have criteria vs Seeking to make You the criteria... how would yoga look if this was the case... continuous... honoring of ancestral knowledge... of play... of breath and bandha and scripture and Guidance not from a point of knowing... but to grow Closer... to do to become Closer... replacing identity of me with path of yogi towards you... wow what a difference... 

...i want to let burn the putting off and fully commit in my path towards You through growing deeper in my healing journey... not to prove a point... not to get accolades in instagram... but to Reach... to be in community... to be in circumference... to make happen... through giving my all in Love of her of parents and bothers and friends and showing up for them... in poetry and writing and yoga... fully seeing things through by going deep in the work and having circumstances that anchor me... sharing... acts that result in greater union and communion... i.e a poetry chapbook for others to grow deeper in Love in their own life and share this... 

...i want to burn expectation of reciprocal by Trusting that the Work itself is the reward... that Love itself and doing/Working from a place of Love will be what is my reciprocity... going deeper in the Work that is Guided by Love - drawing, writing, yoga vignettes... medicine making... holding space for others to go through a shared experience... 

...strawberry moon 6.14.22...

 ...all of it... all... of ... it... 

...a whirl... round and round... sensory stimulli... we live for it... we modern apes... arangatanguing from one to the next... matcha latte to mocha to pumpkin spice lime summer special... 

...we in a midst of desire... of wanting to know it all... to experience it all... running as fast as we can... imagining the people we talk to on occasion are our community and they are rooting for us from the likes on social media of our posts... a god complex... 

...jesus... muhammad... moses... krsna... gautama... 

...the rishis brought us messages... the journey trampled on itself...

...even before tattoos became a thing... everyone i knew was running down a television dream...

...switched the boxxx off after my thighs burned for 2 dimension... 

...ran into a wall after thinking i'd reached siddhis... 

...annoyed by violation... without boundaries nothing happens... 

...this past month... this past lunar... i made the move from ithaca to philly to nyc to provo... saw a few clients... did some workshops... watched kev remerge in drown... sank with him when i heard her lack of boundaries led to going along with trauma... rekindling... building on... and me having a sense of being violated... not getting paid by the yoga studio for a whole two months... need to cash that check

...this full moon... what i learned is to be empathetic means to consider context... to let go of what keeps me separate... to understand... from a place of depth... inquiry... Love... compassion... 

...what i struggled with is expecting someone else to do the deed for me... to pause... to speak from within instead of from without... to have paused... to have gone deep into the moment... instead of chiding... instead of reprimanding... to pause and go deep inside and see what happens... to articulate this... from a place of pause and Love and Art... hey - i'm feeling violated right now because... are you okay with it?... if not then what made you do what you did?... if i didn't say anything would you have even texted?... i'm bothered by this and not sure what to do with it... 

...be empathetic and honest... transparent... through pause... through taking a moment... through doing one thing... and nothing else... maybe building on doing one thing at a time by taking pause in that one thing... breathing it in... taking in the experience fully... like with writing and making a ring... and drawing... go deeper in by Tuning in deeper... go deeper in doing one thing at a time by taking a moment to breathe and Connect with the Lover in each instance... 

...this month the yama i want to grow deeper with aporigraha - non-greed; non-hoarding non-gift taking - as i believe this will let me be of greater use to the world and those around me

...6.9.22... you see me but not me (the tribe i hail from)...

 ...of course it is a dream... all of it... albeit a long... although sometimes short... although it makes sense at times... although i have no clue really... do you?... how do some people know?... i don't... i know what seems right/wrong and the in between...

...pretending feels wrong... i am pretending right now because i am in a cafe without my context - my ammu, abbu, bhaiyas; my nanu nana dada dadu... my context is tribe... this is where i orginate from... i am because we are... i was the dirt of bengal... india... east paksitan... partition... lucknow... himalaya... i am of overcrowding/dedness... of a language that is spoken in similes... in proverbs... in teachings... rice and dhal and salam and namaskar... prayer and religion and masjids and temples... folk music, folk instruments... folk plays... farms, farmers, rice fields... humility... sleeping shortly after dusk and arising before dawn... discipline... arranged marriage... humble... soft... clear gender roles... clear division of labor... lots of kids... non nuclear... monogamous... generations overlapping... 

...you don't see this... and it's impossible to show you through a shirt or cloth that is patterned... it is impossible when i move in the world in this way that is foreign to my Soul - as an individual... we buried our dead in community and raised each other in community... held each other to standards and would hold each other to it through whispers of people crossing lines... going beyond the community quorum... i didn't get this... wanted them/us to mind their business as their life and my life are separate... starting to get it...

...been starting to get it for a couple of decades now... and still... i barely rise... sometimes i do... standing in awe... when i bow down... walk and talk in Surrender... 

...in the name of the Most... 

...this is why Quietness... why Listening... why moving with Soul in all situations... why the namaste... and lowered eyes... 

...5.26.22... growing deeper in empathy...

 ...somehow these writings feel like the most important thing in the world... somehow they keep me alive... from drowning in one of the gorges with all the other bodies of people i know and don't know... people who found that the bottle was too crowded for their drown and that they needed to crack their skull and release their Light through the sahsasara chakra to return to something that made sense... somewhere better...

...we all have moments... and in keeping this in mind... empathy happens... that there may have been a split second of murder in your head... someone who enraged you to the point of a glimpse of harm... use this to understand that someone else might commit it... someone else might do the deed... that even though it is an extreme leap from a nanosecond of thought to an action... that thought is the action... so check your thoughts... really what i mean is i need to check my thoughts... 

...there may be someone who makes someone do something against their will - rape, sexual assault, torture them into confessing something... it's you that thought it... me... in our desire to control, to want to control how someone responds to us, how they behave, how they should be... that's it... that's the seed for the act of the extreme... it may sound disconnected... a leap from one thing to another... but it's connected... it all is... 

...someone walks by in their summer shorts and tank top... you notice them... more than notice you check them out... have some thoughts around it... have thoughts that are graphic and may even lead to an entire scene playing out in your head... that's the seed for violation... for going beyond someone's will as your desire had nothing to do with that person... wasn't consensual... but what you wanted to do with that person... 

...thoughts are the seeds of voice and actions... how we move in the world... how are you transforming your self?... how are you going deeper in so that the 18 year olds who shot up people in buffalo and in texas are not happening?... it's afterall you and me... and maybe you don't see it in you... but i certainly see it in me... 

...as much as i clock the hours of yoga i do a day... as much as i engage in veganism and stay away form flesh and flesh derived products... as much as i read spiritual texts and listen to talks on overcoming ego and as much as i talk about it... i got a lot to work on... a lot of work to do... 

...i realize this at least once a week... but it came to fore in a more pronounced way this week... when a Love went through a challenging situation and instead of feeling empathy i felt upset and hurt by her action.. like it was her fault... like it was a personal affront to me... instead i could've listened deeper, cried with her instead of for myself... could've consoled her with kind words instead of harsh ones... 

...empathy is an internal action... it is being engaged in the Spiritual process of meditation... of spending time watching thoughts with equanimity... of observing instead of assessing... afterall the desire for happy/pleasure has the same common denominator as pain... aversion and pleasure are sides of the same coin... i see it in me... hopping from one to the other... seeking what makes me happy... feel defeated by what makes me sad... wanting to be in control and when i don't feeling a sense of powerlessness... of having not control... and instead of being okay with this... growing deeper in self involvement... spiralling down into base again... base actions... words... harm... 

...empathy i am realizing requires pause... it requires breath and pause... a moment... moments... being okay with taking these moments... instead of having to have an immediate response... 

...empathy requires a practice... on and off the allotted practice time... it requires being steeped in witness consciousness.... in building samskaras of Love, Respect, Honesty, Compassion... and dissolving the sanskaras of anger depression control fear anxiety... doing this through the Work within and the Work without...

...empathy requires going within yourself when you feel hurt harmed upset angry jealous... slowing down... Listening to what's coming up inside you with equanimity and with compassion releasing these things that exist... with Love taking away from the concrete you've created... breaking it apart with every opportunity... 

...and if you didn't engage with empathy... if you hurt someone in your judgement of them... you know the feeling cause it hurt you to hurt them... so use the opportunity to go within... see where it came from... going deeper in your journaling to see patterns... learn from them... go deeper in the wounds that led to your feeling the right to judge another... 

...for me it has always been not having control... not having control of poverty, of being other, of facial and bodily features, of physical ability, of not fitting in with clothes/language/ethnicity/talent... etc etc... and taking what other people who participated in my feeling this way as the gospel, as what was Real, instead of accepting that the only Truth is Oneness, is non-separation... is Divine Order... that we are all in this together and other peoples walls are only from hurt and their hurtful words only their own hurt... and that who You Are is beautiful... has Always been... however that looks - dark as blue or white as chalk... all of it is part of the Divine Order... and when you arrive at this place you will Know that You have nothing to prove... nothing to fear... that All their is Love and subtraction from Love... that You Are here to go deep in Love and whatever takes you away from Loving fully, from giving of yourSelf is the Work... 

...go deeper in the pause... in embracing the difficult... in sitting with it... in asking what am i afraid of? what gives me discomfort... what would the One who Loves do?... Love... Honor the wishes of others... Be vulnerable... acknowledge their mistakes and Work to grow from it... be in a state of uninterrupted presence with everything - writing, eating, cooking, listening during conversations, packing, unpacking... Be okay with silence, with a lack of stimulation... be okay with stimulation... take moments throughout the day to meditate and dissolve sanskaras and grow the Ones that will grow their Love - Giving, Listening, Compassion, sharing, selflessness... 

...in the breath and Sight of the One... the Most Compassionate... the Most Merciful... 

...5.24.22... medicines for specific Guidance...

 ...what medicines do you need?... 

...a medicine for you failing to help your parents get out of the ghetto they raised you in because you don't want to feel stuck in a job or in a place or can't make up your mind about what you're doing in your life, when they have toiled jobs around the clock and cooked and cleaned and took you to school and the doctor and found a way to get a dentist, bartering their bodies, feeding everyone that ever said a kind word to them with 13 course dinners from ingredients they bought without foodstamps, with the coupons they clipped in their downtime between feeding bathing clothing you and your siblings...?.... what would you call that issue you have? inability to make up your mind? to make a decision? to think beyond your self? to commit? the proclivity to be romantic with friends, women, artistic pursuits without a care for what is happening, for the clock that is ticking...?... what about something like :letting your parents down for your self-involved quixotic pursuits ...?... something like that... this may involve a combination of pages paper clipped together to write forgive me notes, from a place of deep understanding of how you might have hurt those who loved you most from recognizing their grandness in your life... a nose oil with some burn to get you out of your self and being engaged with reality... a tea that you can drink that conjures nostalgia,  

...a medicine for how to deal/make sense of your girlfriend laying in a bed with a recent-past lover while he is pounding into some other chick and trying to get your lover to participate?... to make sense of all the layers of it... of why she was spending the night in his house knowing their is tension... how/why she ended up in the bedroom?... why she was lying there... why she spends her nights staying in ex hook-up's houses when she has other options for living, albeit inconvenient...?... how to make sense of this knowing you do the opposite...  being boundaried, vocally and physically preventing yourself from engaging in relations with other women outside an occasional afternoon hang... far from going over to their place... far from staying over... how you feel devastated by it... how it makes you question yourself... what your karma is... makes you feel at once sympathetic for her sense of violation by it and hate her for putting herself in the situation... how a million questions clutter your mind, a million f you's... a crumble from overwhelm... from not getting it... of not wanting to care... of giving up... of disappearing from her... of feeling the world stuck in your throat... what kind of medicine can address this?... what would it be called?... what could the issue be boiled down to?... the Lovers devastation from his love participating against her heart in staying over and pressured into witnessing the sex act of a recent years long on and off hook up partner?...  being violated by your lover being violated by one of the hook ups she still hangs out with... what could the medicine for this be?... a bottle to drink and throw up... in the forest, under a tree, by yourself... instructions of how to come out of this - a bottle of water with lemon and salt.. dipping your head in cold water... a long page to write all that is troubling you... of the anger and hurt and possible ensuing hate... all written down and burned... another page to forgive, to let go, to empathize, to get past your barriers in Love... with the quote from rumi... "your task is not to find love but merely find all the places within yourself that is keeping you from love"... an oil to rub vigorously on the neck and face and then wash it off... a tea to release tears, grief, hurt.. a coffee based facial to scrub off the grief sitting on your face... a tea to build compassion, empathy... 

a medicine to make sense of what to do next in life cause you don't know how to crawl out of the wounds you are festering in... because somewhere along the way you went wrong and keep going wrong and grow deeper in wrong... and along the way forgot how to hold a job and know what makes sense and how to live in the world and how to have community and friends and craving some nicotine and whiskey and still feeling like that's not enough, that having been there before knowing that that won't change anything, and wanting it all to be okay but it doesn't feel okay, and everything is changing, and you have no control, including people leaving your life, people getting older, feeling alone and not wanting the company of any one and wanting company... not wanting touch and wanting touch... so deeply lost in your hurt that you're tired of speaking about it, don't have words for it... don't want words for it... what would this medicine be addressing... lost my way and can't find my way home but wanting to real bad... in this medicine would b a map for drawing home... what are the characteristics of feeling/Being home?... what makes you feel this way?... when do you feel this way?... if it involves how others interact with you, if it involves specific people in your life currently or in the past... think of the feelings, and the way you contributed to this/these... besides the map... some snuff... a smoke blend to smoke... inhale a few times for three days... a smoke to cleanse... a tea to sip while you map... a tea that will give you Guidance... a coffee hair facial to leave on and wash off in the shower... to invigorate your scalp... an after shower scent to smell good for the Guide, to attract Guidance... an ear oil to Listen... 

...a medicine for a summer season that you are entering with a dim light, with a damp spirit, with hurt... summer is a season of outdoors... of long days short nights... of activities concerts heat... use this heat to tap in to a burn... to embrace the burn... to let it burn... to be out more than in... to smell the uplift, taste plants, feel cooled... 

...i guess i don't know... i don't know that there is any medicine out there that will help with these things... atleast not physical medicine... of course everything is potentially medicine and the greatest medicine of all is Spiritual and all others are only effective so long as the Spirit is addressed because no amount of tincture will address the pain that comes from a disturbed Spirit... 

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful... 

...Love so deep that nothing else matters... 

5.16.22 full moon... trying to understand... empathy...

 

...in the name of ALLAH... the Most Compassionate the Most Merciful... 

...instead of posting anything where anyone could see i stay hidden, just as poor asian immigrants have for generations... silently walking along the shadows of store awnings... finding their way into department dollar stores... getting $10 tom-mchan's for their kids... kids like me who grew up preferring the breast feed of the shiny new shell tops and pumas... even if at a later age that meant thrift shop vintage clothes/look and hippie chicks with black long silky hair parted in the middle and sitting on the middle of their cinnamon back... 

... i don't know if i'm asian... my shade of dark seems to be a stroke of allure even to myself... a blend of snow white midnight and peach... don't really identify with it though... don't know what i am or am supposed to be most of the time... don't know that the .38 millimeter pointed at my head by cops on two sides for mistaken identity was worse than the kicks and fists of young men within my complexion in timbs, leaving me inside out but mostly drowning inside myself and on the outside becoming a switchblade... not different from most people i know... not very special... all of us have trauma... a blend of this and that... kicked into believing we are ugly, into believing that others are better, something is better, there is a better... everyone i know brown black white red feels this way... not uniquely the property of one group...

...but the special lies in how we take this all in... sometimes... at my Quietest moments... i Am in Alignment... remembering why smoking and drinking and waking up reeking of long islands at 5am in a train heading back to brooklyn is not an option... why it really only hurts me and leaves me kicking myself in... participating  in my own set up... paying generously at bars to deplete my organs... with a hope to find therapy sessions in new friends who will listen... in women who will hold me... who will say it's okay, it doesn't have to be a one nighter or a one weeker or one monther... that i got you if you got me... i got you... or could... but we get got it seems by the shiny new and newer and newer still by the next month week day hour... sometimes minutes later... already bored... already on to the next... remembering again that in babylon its best to get emotionally engaged within a time period... set your alarm... and let it poof... and onto the next... or keep all doors open all the time so their is never room for boredom... the swivel door... 

...through yoga, prayer, fasting, meditation, veganism, cooking, writing, drawing, reading ancient spiritual texts, through my parents prayers my brothers commissary always at ready, and the company of Kings... i stay Aligned... Knowing that these anchors will keep me rooted in something more than this... that otherwise i get confused... that the affect of the frequencies is alluring... and sometimes i feel myself dancing to the tunes... following the piper to the cliff of the abyss... and sometimes jumping in... forgetting... 

...i guess i don't know... i don't have a clue... i know that time passes... that people come and go... that graduations and weddings and big days are only bigger in their anticipation and planning and hype... that more often that not they are anti-climactic... that the most beautiful moments are those in deep Love... in Connection from this place of Love... of Honoring... of meeting in the Divine... it is conversations and movement and movements that lead to conversations with God... and i don't know what to do about anyone outside myself... i know what type of relationships i would want... i know that i would want a tenderness... a calm... a sweet...  heartbeats... Quietude... bowing down... i Know i would want to be inside from this place... but we control no one but ourselves and even what we know of ourselves is uncertain... 

...maybe this is why going to deep in the realm of intellectualizing is dangerous... as this leads nowhere... that the only thing can do is grow deeper Spiritually... to do this from a place of not trying to make anything happen... not trying to control... not lying or manipulating or reacting... but instead using every interaction to grow deeper in Self...

...last full moon i told myself i would let go of judgement... don't know that i have... don't know if intention without action is enough... that intention is everything except without action... like yoga... it is a practice... these Ways... 

...inside... going inside... using the instance of upset, sad, disappointed, let down to look inside, to see where it came from... to have conversation from a place of Love... of Truth, of seeing whats brewing inside... and accepting the outcome... moving from this Love and accepting the outcome... whatever it is... 

...this full moon... upon reflection of the past months journey from utah back to nyc... through the completion of ramadhan... of bowing down and breaking fast with family... of beginning the full moon cycle with teaching a full moon yoga class... and going deeper in patience... in Listening... in vulnerability... i noticed that this patience is sometimes only reserved for some and not others... that i am not universal in my patience and Love... that i am less patient with family... even though there is history... this should only compound my Love for those who have stood the test of time... who continue to Love me unconditionally, who give with what little they have... 

...in growing upset... i also realized the fragility of relationships... of how sometimes i may tip toe to preserve something instead of Being Truth... and that in the process instead of Being Truth... i react in a way that is less than compassionate, that is absent of pause and equanimity... noticing the hurt and responding from withIn... from a place of Realness... Honesty... Vulnerability... Love... not guilting, not shaming... not trying to hurt... but trying to understand... not trying to get back, but to go deeper in dialogue... this month... in Light of what i experienced... i will go deeper in understanding - empathy - through the process of pausing... breathing to Connect... see what i am experiencing in body and thoughts and emotions, and Honoring that the other is going through something as well that may have led them to their actions, words, and it's not just about me... but also not being afraid to share... to Be Real... to dialogue... in the name of ALLAH... the Infinite... the One without Beginning or End... the Source of Peace... i Surrender... 

5.14.22 ...through Quietness...

 ...time happens whether you do or not... i happened to be in the cafe... on the other side of the commons where bran would meet me in an hour or so or really i'd meet him... and not here... but it felt nice to think that a friend would meet me here, post on the table next to me and do their thing and we wouldn't have to talk except for every so often, after making some progress in life in the screen, we'd shoot out for a minute and hop up and down talking about this and that for 3 minutes before sinking back to Work...

...something about this Work thing... keeps coming up... a pearl provided by the Jewel... 

...what is the Work?... what is the circumstance for the Work... what is the fear in committing? it is that there may be a string... a rope... a tethering... a restraint on siting around and doing nothing for hours... 

...babylon freedom gets threatened by every person we are responsible for, every family member we have to check in with... every friend we build relations with... 

...circumstance?... writing... daily... write daily... journal daily... see what happens... see what comes up... where it could be a space with others...

...one thing that occurred to me during this last bit of the blatant narcissism i witnessed from dude was just how disgusting egotistic-ness is... how i needed to be subjected to that to see myself... to see if i am moving from a place of genuine concern about the world and its issues or am i being like most in the modern world - branding?... how can have my Work an embodiment of the One... ?... a dedication... a not about me... a no one needs to know or see it... just do the Work?... go deeper in Your craft... in yoga in writing... in cooking... in breathing... in bodywork... in foraging... not to know more... not to get your name out there... but to share... to Connect... to be behind the scenes... to do cause it needs doing... 

...this is brief... it goes quick... your grave is besides you... 18 was decades ago... the cemetery is around the bend... but there are some people you will pass along the way... your task is to merely Love them... to understand... to Be Compassion... to Be Honest... Transparent... kind... giving... to Listen more than speak... to bring out their Light to shed a light on their Light... to do this by going deeper in Your arts... in creation... in Creating... in seeing what comes up instead of trying to contribute something... 

...to share Your Works Listen... see if it's needed... see if it's coming from something deep withIn You... what stems from withIn?... what can you do to Connect what you Are doing with this?... 

...share... Love... hold space... no competition... no trying to be better... no judgements... pure Love... 

...rocketship... it goes quick... Love fully... deeply... with presence... full presence... 

.5.13.22 today

 today is everyday and no days and no ways and all ways and alvvays and arcade fire and associations like s.a.t portions in english i spoke a broken version of pathos pathetic in my desire to die into something acceptable and if i couldn't to find the clothes and shoes and hair styles that could make that switch for me 

switched my phone off, for a while, to minimize distraction when she came like the mahdi, return of jesus, salvation for all the people i pissed off, who i wrote off, who became fiction and i barely know if they were ever here, except every so often when the day becomes a thread for night to illuminate the dark world i've been painting ever since i could remember knowing that pretending is more acceptable than not, except i kept tripping, laughed at by pointing fingers, herculean in hilarious, i gave up, mostly

stopped trying to belong... decided to be me, speaking broken bangla, quoting shakespeare, floored by the cure and arcade fire, dressing in cut denims and leggings, doing headstands and skip walking, placing my hands together in namaste and praying for everyone around me as they slice my face into stitches, and i release them of scars, mend my wounds with bismillah hi Rahman ni Rahim... 

...10 may 2022...

 ...fearless... what are you afraid of?... avoiding?... what are you waiting for?... 

...if what you are afraid of is growing yourself as a personality... rightfully so... the world already suffers from too much ego... in fact it is the greatest threat to species extinction... we are out for ourselves more often than not... seeking guru-ship... more often than not...

...success afterall... in the modern frequency is defined by how much of an audience you have... how many people applaud... like... buy your product... 

...what's your product?... 

...have none... let it go... that's not what you or i are here for... we can't be... here for/to... brand... get others to buy our product... applaud us... 

...it's way to common... and somehow victimhood is seen as those who don't get an opportunity to shine in the limelight... as if that should be the goal... fame... pharoah... to be pharoah... to have your golden calf in your condo... 

...worship the One... bow down... learn humility by Surrendering to dharma - Law... Nature... look at the stars, moon, day and night... study the trees birds and monarchs... let them guide you... 

...i'm avoiding fulfilling my responsibilities to my family... to the dream... to our dream of being deeper in our togetherness... we only fall apart in our separateness... a false freedom... a false reality... the only Reality is You... all praise is due... nothing to be afraid of... 

...the only thing there is to do is to let go of that which you are attaching to clinging to that's keeping You from Your Purpose - a Spiritual One... to go deeper in Self by letting go of self... by Connecting/Aligning self with Self and doing what your individual Spirit is here to do... manifest Love... community... it is good to pray alone... better to pray in community... good to fast alone... better to fast in community... 

...do it... now... let go of yourself... and do... if you are reading this you are taking breath... breathe Love... more than just about you or me... 

...4.20.22... r

 

...there's a space... spaces between... Love and lust... desire and purpose... knowledge and prophecy... 

conversations i had this month... that see me in the circumambulation between nyc ithaca philly and salt lake... places where my heartbeats... where they beat before i ever got here... 

...how did i get here... ?... how did you?... the story is that there was an act of love, of lovemaking, of an exchange... of a planting of seeds... of an egg that embraced it... of the replication of life... of chromosomes x and y, of a transcription of data into code of a c t g strips of millions for liver and cardiac cells of muscle and neural cells... blood... pumped... nutrients and toxins exhcanged through the placenta,,, a mycelilial communication forum between the mother who bears the child and me... the child... suckling... taking it all in... through my belly... through Be coming... 

...in the name of the One... why did this all start?... where does it all go?... 

...48000 cameroonians given temporary status to work and live in the u.s... the east and west of urkraine bombed... israeli soldiers backed by nuclear arms storm and break up worship in the al aqsa mosque... utah's mormon population decreases for the first time since 1920 something... what does it all mean?... 

...if birth is special and of the millions of possible sperm that attempt to engage in discourse... it's mostly unlikely any will... so if you... me... take birth... it's a big deal... then what does it mean that the fastest growing populations are black and brown... in american and abroad...?... does this mean more unborn spirits are seeking to be african or indian or latin or asian?... does it mean that taking birth in these bodies is only meaningful if we take on certain bodies?... that the majority of body's on earth aren't lucky but cursed?... that taking birth is actually a curse?... if so, what is the purpose?... what are we supposed to do with this?... 

...what is the point of life?... is it the same for all of us?... does race ethnicity sex factor into purpose intrinsically?... is our purpose based more on being here in these bodies... and what experiences these bodies have...?... in the name of it ALL... i have no clue how any of this Works... and the older i get the less any of this makes sense... and i want it to... and i don't know how to divirce the reality of the world - of sex, race, naitonality... all the things that cause us to cringe... to desire... to want... to hate...

...the one thing that remains steady is the Work... of Creating... of playing and exploring... of seeing what happens... of ritual and prayer... of going deeper... 

3.28.22 real yogis move in Quiet...

 ...yoga enters me... icelandic astoria ny... have you heard there's a war...?... did your belly tell you... or was it from a ringing in your head... the mother of all bombs... afghanistan in your mind... a shock and awe into the end... of march... 2022... and what've you done?... a lot... too much... crossing off things on your to do?... setting timers... trying out the new appointments app... meeting lots of new people and feeling a jolt of excitement from every lunch and dinner...?... wanting more... not knowing what to do when you don't have this... when you are by yourself, with a page of crossed items... 

...hopping through i.g. posts... trying to find something to occupy time... time ticks like a bomb... if you let it... or it blows like a breeze off the ocean of desert under a canopy of galaxies in circumambulation... mecca... the hajj in the arches... bow down... bowed down to You... Always... with that no strings... with that Love that comes with and from wings... with Pure giving... 

...this month... Quietness... going deeper in practices without telling anyone... giving abbu rent without telling anyone else... starting a school of ancient medicine... Trusting abbu Knows... Loving him without anyone else there... doing without looking for acclaim... being transparent without anger... with compassion... without audience... 

...last month was letting go... this month is getting deeper with what i let go of by doing it from a place of Quiet... without making show... going into the womb... not looking for acclaim... like getting better with time because it will be helpful and considerate of those around me... showing up... in a Way that is honoring... 

...doing clinics without looking for photo-ops... going deeper in yoga practice... going deeper in the teaching... praying... being transparent... Listening more than speaking... 

...in the name of the Most... 

...sending flowers... making cards... gifting... playing... playful... 

...today my feet walked a foot off the grounds of 37th ave, as i flew up the stairs and hopped over the turnstyles, not stopping for the man who said "amigo" a couple of times, having flashes of an undercover about to pull my shoulder and flash a badge, quick... ran quick and twisted on the platform to walk to the opposite platform... to the edge... floating with gravity in bags - a bag man - back pack, duffle bag, and hand bag... asked for gravity to release me when i jolted up the stairs of 23rd and lex... didn't turn when women that would've caught my eye passed with shifts and scents of attraction... attracted to the air of Love i'd Surrendered to... at once a durga-puja, and a One-ness... yogi and sufi... brown and yellow and red and white and black and olive... left my clothes at the laundromat... your identity talk, brown this and black that and white this left me spinning... left you in the spin cycle... feel free to join when you get naked too... 

...got nothing to sell... i don't have anything for you to buy... been creating... been Creating... without eyes to see... with Seeing... i See You... when i'm Quiet... 

...real yogis move in Quiet... 

...3.17.22... march full moon ...

 ...in the backseat... looking through the window... at the moon... wondering if it will trail off... if it is just following us... no one else... us meaning my fiction... the world that bore me into this current Reality... i embrace it... embrace You... 

..today is leading into the full moon and as i reflect back... in this backseat in the cafe... hidden from the remaining drops of daylight somewhat clouded by the grey wisps of fall in spring... i am reminded of the intention from last month... to focus on letting go... to reduce... this was more than physical... it was the letting go of certain patterns of thoughts... ways of being... that keep me separate... entangled in a false reality... 

...i am often reminded of this false reality when i consider the past... when i consider how time has often left me winded and wondering... what happened?... where did it go...?... this was my Realization 17 years ago... and in Realizing this... i went into a deeper Quiet... Realizing that i didn't have to speak much... that others did... that when i did speak it was more to grow... to learn something... to grow deeper in Self... instead of saying something to advance me... my thoughts... my ideas... what i had to say... my voice... 

...i Loved this way of Being... it was clear... i was engaging to play and learn and grow and Listen... not to be heard, not to convince... i Loved this because it tapped me deeper into Self and less into ego... if i spoke it was to ask questions and try to understand... i Loved being exploratory... feel like i lost some of this... 

...i was just reviewing possibilities for the equinox... celebrations... and in doing so i felt like i wasted 20 minutes of my life only to try and Connect... and it made me think of how i used to consume events and stake out social events to have something to do to avoid being still... 

...i've known from the words of others and most importantly from my own Truth that it is Work that will Connect me... Real Work... i'd like to go deeper in Work... to share more... to give more... let go of being secluded....let go of running after... and Be still... let go of perfection and put Your Work out and who shows up will show up... 

...in the name of the Most High... 

...this month has been a bit of ups and downs... and deep Connection... deeper... feel like she has taken me deeper... that i've been forced to face my shortcomings... my ego... the issues that keep me from fully Being Love... let go of that which is short of unconditional... i Realized how important vipassana has been to me... how it keeps me in Reality... how it is every moment and not just the time set aside... 

...in the breath of... 

...this month i learned the importance of letting go not on a surface level but the insides... things that keep me... 

...this month... this coming month... this moon... is that where the term month comes from?... i would like to Connect deeper with release... with Becoming through rewiring my insides... by rewiring my thoughts.. transforming them from making points, control, conditional - ego-centered... not as things to say or talk about or show off about... but as an inside out... this month is inside out - spring cleaning... in Quiet... 

...this means every time i Listen i Listen from Love and when i find things come up - thoughts emotions of hurt anger etc, then breathing into it... annicha-ing it... dissolving the sanskara... and Listening from that place of nourishment, safe-space... rahma - compassion... 

...this month is Work towards Quietness... towards internal transformation... towards deep witnessing... this month is doing Work from this place of deep Quiet... not to brand or sell... but to nourish and grow... yoga, cooking, art... 

...Lover...

 ...about Lovers... who are examples?... who have been examples?... i liked dani's fearlessness, how he was kind and charismatic and approached women... he was always with different women... he always knew the right things to say... but mostly it was his charisma, his charm, his ability to Connect... to be bold, to not be afraid... to be confident... these were traits i found admirable... and even though he was barely five feet tall, he was full of confidence... but i didn't feel a Connection with his way... in retrospect... it was outside the Way... it was from self-centeredness... from fulfilling desires... being in a carousel... being unaccountable... 

...i admired doc... how he could've had almost any women he wanted but didn't... how discriminate he was... how he was good with being with who he was with... he didn't even seem to care that he could have anybody... he was just fully confident and humble... and Quiet...  and accountable to his family and others... 

...i admired eric... how in love he was with charlene... how charlene was his one and only love... how he was super good looking, how bright and kind he was... how polite and Loving he was... how anytime you talked to him he always pulled out a picture of charlene... how he was light on his feet and Always went out of his way to make you feel good, say hi, and had no qualms about being transparent about who he was with... how he was the opposite of sleazy and self-interest...

...in history there are few people i can think of... that i've read about... there is Mostly an idea i've had in my head... and idea of my own making... fictional... 

...the idea is this... that there is a Lover... and this Lover is Connected deeply to Source... to Soul... and is present... and fearless... and vulnerable and walks into discomfort... and Works... and moves from a place of transparency and wanting to Work through things vs avoiding things...  the Lover is in a space of trepidation... impacted... breathes and checks in... nods... Listens... asks what am i afraid of and walks in... the Lover is Confident in what he Knows... Knowing what he Knows are Spiritual Truths... he speaks from a place of Love... not control... Knowing that the only Truth is Unconditional Love... Loving not to control but to Honor... to Love... to Give... the Lover is transparent... and instead of avoiding transparency... embraces it... even if it is uncomfortable... the Lover lets go of that which keeps him from Higher... the Lover lets go of being consumed... of performance... of trying to impress... the Lover goes deeper in Love with his Lover by going deeper within... through his Work... the Work is in his art... the outcome of Love...

...the Lover isn't afraid to call... the Lover isn't afraid to ask questions... the Lover moves and speaks from center and not ego... from One-ness and not self-centeredness... the Lover presences his thoughts and feelings from a place of exploration not reaction... not pride... not trying to convince... not control... 

...the Lover Loves... 

...what do i need to learn to Be the Lover?... to ask what am i afraid of and what is discomfort at every juncture... to immediately follow this up with breath... deep breathing... with Centering... with Connection and speaking and moving from this pause/Link/place of Connection... 

3.5.22... embracing the hard...

 ...in the name... breath of... the Most Compassionate...

...i bear witness in every moment passing... no matter the feeling... and each moment of action is pregnant with the future of what will happen next... and each an opportunity to go inside... internal... instead of pretending... instead of suppressing... instead of trying to make things up... the Opportunity is in the diminishment of cravings and aversions... of releasing the desire for wanting things to be a certain way and when they are not then reacting a certain way... especially as all of that is divorced from reality... 

...in the name of... 

...there are mistakes... things we say and do... and it's a moment... and they can be avoided if we go deeper in that moment... if we pause... breathe... witness... release... watch the sensations as they appear... let go of them... and instead of attempting to shift reality to fit you... look to see how you can grow deeper in your Love so that you are not in the way... so that Love flows through you and not judgement... so that you can See things for what they Are... Love... judgement is in the sole possession of the One... 

...when you focus on Love you create greater opportunity for Love to grow... You plant seeds for Love... You delve into unconditional realms... 

...how do you shift from a situation that is hurtful...?... 

...to embrace it... to acknowledge the hurt... to share your process... to own up... to be vulnerable... to be transparent... to not turn into something about you... to Listen... to Honor... to not try an convince... to ask yourSelf what is in the Way of Love...  to first share the process of transparency.... of Honoring each other... to acknowledge the hurt... to ask what you the other is feeling? where the hurt is? to acknowledge that... to share what You heard... to share what you felt and why... to be honest... to own up... to release processes and procedures... and instead dissolve in Love... 

...2.21.22... anniversary...

 ...today is the anniversary of language of a n a... of a movement... one that grows distant from me but in my vipassana... i am beyond identity politics of identification of this or that... and recognize the beauty of this moment... historic in how every moment of climactic change is... when things hit the wall of separation... the wall crumbles... separation dissolves... one with the One... 

...perhaps this is why the walk through the walls... the moments of embracing the greatest fears are so important... they require the dissolution of previous wiring... of the imaginal cells to grow the wings of Love... fly robin fly... 

...become the sky... an axe to the prison wall... today does that mean doing a lot... or doing with meaning...?... it is being experimental... playing... getting messy... and seeing what happens... it is trying... Reaching... and seeing what happens... 

...2.18.22... friday... Loving joblessness

...friday... not december or january... towards the end of february... second to last friday... returned from the odyssey of yesterday... and i got stuck on the george washington after not taking a moment to pause before i left yesterday... taking the time to look at a map instead of vouching for google maps and gps to just look out for me... and it didn't... and i've gone through this pattern several times... so what could've been different... what was the pattern... not taking time to pause... not taking a few minutes to handle what would be important for this trip... preparation... pausing to prepare... what do i need to do to prepare? ... what do i need to let go of...?... running off... being deliberate... 

...let go of rushing... of not taking time to pause... to handle what is important... at every moment of the day... especially before events like taking a long trip, driving, going to the printers, etc - to pause to see what i may need to have ready before i leave

...got back and left the magical wound of ithaca... suicide doors that swing with the cold winds... and am here in childhood... adolescence... in recluse... and not sure which way is best... but at the moment it feels best not to be involved in the job world... to grow deeper in my arts and see what happens... to give of mySelf... as much of mySelf... and see what happens... 

...in the name of the Most... 

...came back and during most of the drive and the way here thought of her and not seeing texts from her i wondered... trailed... lost... feeling my heart skip... 

...and now i'm here... and in yoga listened to goenka... and he reminded us of equanimity... of unconditional Love... of Witness... of non-attachment... of Loving without attaching... without seeking to control... this is True Love... this would mean putting myself aside and Truly Being interested in the well being of another... of her... of others... of ammu abbu... cb... family friends... 

...letting go of stuff means letting go of clutter - things i'm holding onto that keep me from full breath... without anxiety... without losing myself in clutter... in beliefs i've come to hold... of ways i've learned to read people... which i take personally... letting go means letting go of what i've come to believe is myself to let the imaginal cells do their magic so i could fly... 

...full moon 2.15.22

 ...full moon february 2022... it's tomorrow... 

 ...full moon fasting... she is fasting with me... we are growing into dust... and sometimes fire... and sometimes earth as we flow... 

...and things are amazing and yet there is feeling of disconcertedness... of what will happen... of what i should do with my things... of what i am doing with my life... if the purpose is to give... share... balance... through the Creative process... i suppose i am doing that... 

...full moon meal for steph and i - potatoes with onions and grated carrots, seasoned in garlic, salt, and oregano... 

...this full moon day i did asana with the presence of her in me, on me, through me... coming out of valentine's day... the most memorable one i can think of... one without pressure... without concoction... 

...woke still sleepy... wanting to stay in bed... rolling up and out... into ritual - dental, bowel, prayer, drink, pull, asana... realize that when i am in asana and in poses... to not what feels uncomfortable... disconcerting... what do i associate with pain... and going into it a little more... 

...couldn't figure out how to construct the boxes and thought i needed glue... so put off assembling the kits that i hope to get done for the spring season... crashed... for a little... instead... maybe more than a little... felt overwhelmed with the packing... although in retrospect... in line with the wound being the place where the Light enters... these challenges are the opportunity to go deep... to grow deep... how?... by learning to let go... by doing it different... by going through one thing at a time... seeing things to completion before moving on to the next... by delegating the Work... by putting an appeal letter for the kits... 

...i have a limited number of kits that i put together for the spring... your purchase will help me raise funds for the film project i am working on...  the kits are made based on the concepts of seasonal alignment in ayurveda and yoga... is made with mostly organic, local herbs, including patronizing local herbal farmers in upstate, ny; it's made with Love and my own Alignment with the cosmos... 

...the kits were a learning process... in terms of arrangement... in terms of packaging... in terms of learning beauty and aesthetic... and it made sense to add the coffee facial and do it in a way that aligned with the season... at times it felt procedural and i wasn't sure what the point was... but at the end i loved how beautiful it all looked... and like the idea of curating kits for people... one time pieces... or limited numbers... but of course this requires inventory and things... 

...the past few days has been a culmination into letting go... letting go of jealousy and control by noticing it as it came up... by noticing the voices in my head... by noticing my moods... but more than noticing... by paying attention to the sensations on my body... that's what makes vipassana unique... different from other forms of meditaiton... dealing head on with the issue... by noticing and not reacting...

...this past full moon i continued listening to the lectures of goenka-ji... and have gotten to the point where i've listened to the same lecture 2 or 3 times within this span... and each time i feel like i get more out of it... learning the importance of observation to sensations specifically and witnessing with equanimity without reaction and watching as it passes...

...although i started meditation this past month, and ritualized it... i haven't fully kept up... and am learning that i can and that it is possible to do so if i don't restrict myself to a time... i medtitated at lucas' service... it felt good to do so... it felt natural... i didn't feel contrived... i feel like i can go into meditation easier...

...in cooking i used the instapot a bunch to make chickpeas and lentils... and noticed that a certain ratio between water and material is important to not make it too soupy... with beans... when cooking... it's best to let the beans soak overnight... otherwise they remain crunchy... starches like rice, potatoes, or even beans feels heavy and hardening in the body... having broccoli, kale, caulilfower in addition to onions and carrots feels good... feels best... the same is true for oatmeal... as much as i love oats... without fresh fruits it feels dead and heavy... 

...in asana i've grown in inspiration through working on sequences towards this project of vignettes... it feels like an artistic endeavor... this is where it was born from... and staying in that space of inspiration by repeating the asanas in each sequence feels honoring... i find that i do get lazy and instead of staying within the struggle of the sequence through repetition... i will focus on parts of it... compartments... like press up... instead of keeping it incorporated... 

...in writing... i've focused mostly on building a guide for reflection/journaling... on saturn return... a pivotal moment... it felt best working on it when i was working on paper... on making it a zine like fold-out... but in the process of elaborating i found myself losing the Essence sometimes and focusing more on audience... on what would be most beneficial to her... based on my thoughts... instead of going deeper in my own wounds and Light to Create... 

...in Love... i have noticed how capable i am on focusing... on being fully invested... but also feeling the trepidation of uncertainty... of her being different and doing things differently than me... and when i observe... witness... i Realize that i am trying to make reality other than it is... that to embrace realty is essential in appreciating and Being in Life... otherwise Life becomes a remote controlled operation... switching left right and forward on toy cars and robots while slouching onto a chair... fully focused on the external instead of going deeper within to go deeper without... 

...i've spent a lot of time talking to her... Listening... engaging in hours and hours of conversation... daily...  it feels right... good... meaningful... 

...haven't made my skills available to help others... to have exchange for money... skills like ayurveda and massage and cooking and herbalism and counsel and education... instead i've grown deeper in an artistic process of Creation and Inspiration... which feels right... what i don't want to do is just dish things out and do nothing with them... which is a pattern... i want to create and share in a meaningful way so that others gain from the Gift of time and labor i put in... otherwise it gets kicked off to the side... so the pattern i want to avoid is onto the next... instead to pause and se it through... more than just completing one part...

...felt inspired... continue to feel inspired to Create from this Love story... the vignettes came out of this... and it felt good to jot down the original thoughts on it... and write up an appeal and get it out to a few people even if it was poorly worded... got some good feedback from people who care enough to see it happen... Realizing that i need to be supple with this while also not repeating patterns of doing everything by myself and getting help... film makers, etc... also being okay with doing some initial portions as yoga sequences with a band... and maybe doing some shooting through out the city... and doing this not from aesthetic or perfection - but from art... from play, inSpiration... Love... Creativity... 

...as i grow deeper as an artist... i want to Work to see things through... doing this with wonderland's kit felt good... it reignited by Love for magic and Guidance... and offering this as part of the experience with the kit... i realized this when i re-engaged with the pamphlets i wrote up - that art is missing and possible... so have been in the zine frame of mind... 

...i'm learning to let go of stuff... of things i've been lugging around with me... the past few days have taught me that it's okay to release... to let go completely and that in letting go i am also letting go of the thoughts and big ideas that keep me latching on... like i'll loosen these tight jean shorts and then once i do that... want to go deeper with the letting go... of things that are too much... are more bandwidth than i can be meaningful with... do this with clothes and instead of rationalizing clothes to go with what the artist Lover says... checking in with him instead of the clothes and what i think someone else may think based on them not seeing me wearing that clothing... 

...i'd like to grow deeper in the Creative process... instead of getting caught in perfectionism... of Creating and giving... of letting myself get messy... putting in the Work of embracing challenge and being vulnerable in my conversations with whether i am embracing the art of it - the moment, the feeling, the abandon... 

...i can go deeper and be less constrained if i have less and do less. so as i work on projects like the Saturn retrun guide, the kits, and the vignettes, not taking on too much more unless they complement the artisitc process of yoga, medicne man... Love... Love making... 

...would like to go deeper in my singularity with wonderland... in letting go of the things that keep me from Loving her deeper... of getting more into an artistic process of Being with her... doing this with all my relations... embracing the Lover-artist... 

...walk into the wounds... by letting go of the fester (jealousy, disappointment, grief, anger) and embracing the hard... to walk deeper towards Love... embracing the hard in conversations... the artistic process of presence and honoring and play and messy... in combing... in walking... in listening... in proposing... in sharing... giving... Gifting... 

...letting go of stuff to go deeper in the artistic process of the Lover... what stuff is keeping me from Loving fuller? - clothes, feelings, habits, missing practices... 

 

...1.13.21...

 ...came out of hiding to be seen by You... You already saw me... i Knew... so i let myself dissolve in Your lLight... but what happens when Your Light suddenly vanishes...?...

...maybe it never does... maybe the thing with this life thing is that it is not only not linear but the spirals inform each other, that the circles overlap... so that we are Always carrying 4 and 5, 9 and 10, 13 and 17, 25 and 29... that they are part of us... 

...there are patterns... i see them... in myself... geometrics that denote control... silence... disappearance... calculations... next moves... 

...i don't have a next move... i don't see the check mate... i don't know... i never did... don't have a clue... what i have a clue about i don't have control over... 

...Love is unconditional... it is without strings... without attempts to string along, to dictate and configure for your benefit... why would you want this anyway?... it's like stealing something versus paying for it... it's like seeing an earring you like from an artist vendor and instead of slipping it into your pocket, taking out the last few dollars you ahve to get it... it is like cooking an intricate meal versus looking for shortcuts... versus getting dinner somewhere that you don't know the cooks the owners the waitstaff... 

...True Love is doing Your best... putting in the Work... sweat... Loving... giving... pure Soul... with Compassion... from the Infinite Source... Knowing there is no scarcity... giving it Your All... Always...

...in the name of the One-ness... the Essence... the Source of Peace...